The Clown Car Update for November 12, 2017

Posted: November 13, 2017 in New Post


The International Olympic Committee, in a surprise development on Tuesday night, added a new sport to the upcoming Winter Olympics in South Korea next February.  The new event is called the “Long Distance Under the Bus Throw.”  Speaking from their headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland IOC President Dr Thomas Bach said the surprise move was inspired by Donald J. Trump’s record toss of Republican gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie under a bus all the way from Seoul, South Korea.  The toss occurred mere minutes after Virginia polls closed. “This was a historic throw, one for the record books,” Bach declared, “prompting the IOC to immediately name Mr Trump as the first qualifier in the new event.”

Tuesday’s under-the-bus toss by Mr Trump was a record 11,308 kilometres shattering the former record of 3,363 km also held by Mr Trump. That record was set on June 16, 2015, when during his announcement for the presidency of the United States, Mr Trump tossed the entire country of Mexico under the bus from New York City. As amazing as that toss was, Tuesday’s fete had jaws dropping from Bejing to Moscow. Russian president Vladimir Putin praised Trump not only for the distance but for the speed with which it was done. “When we first decided to sponsor Donnie we knew he was capable of throwing anyone under a bus! But this one was not only impressive for its distance, but for the speed. The polls had only closed for twenty minutes and he had the Gillespie person under the bus and put away.” Putin added. “He is more than we ever hoped for.”

This surprise decision by the IOC has Olympic fans all over the world looking forward to the February event with intense interest. Ashley Wagner, a Team USA figure skater can’t wait to get to Olympic Village in Pyeongchang. “Trump has us all excited, wondering who he will throw under the bus next year. We all have our favourites, but mine is that snobby Ivanka. I’d love to see her thrown as far under a bus as he can chuck her!” Meghan Duggan of the USA Women’s Hockey Team has another target in mind. “I have always fantasized about smacking Jared Kushner like a hockey puck into a goal post. I’m hoping Trump throws that smirking creep under the biggest bus he can find!” And the Team USA Women’s Bobsled team had yet someone else in their crosshairs. “I have an offer for Trump from our entire bobsled team,” said Jamie Poser, their pilot.  “If he would just toss that little lying twerp Jeff Sessions, he doesn’t even have to use a bus. We would be happy to finish him off with our bobsled!” 

But not everyone is happy about the IOC’s decision. Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell was quite rattled. The Leader told the Clown Car Update, “Mr Gillispie was one of us and to see him brutally thrown under a bus made that thing hanging from my chin quiver. After all, I have a wife within arms reach of that guy!” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was disappointed.  ” I’ve sat next to that guy and kept this stupid grin frozen on my face for an entire year. That is the world’s record. I really thought “Frozen Goofy Face” would be a natural for the Winter Olympics.”

Now Trump’s march to Olympic Gold is not absolutely certain. There is another member of the USA team that has been making a lot of heads turn this week. Bob Mueller, Special Prosecutor and chief rival of Trump’s may be a formidable challenge to him next year. Mueller has shown some talent of his own in recent weeks. Mueller’s coach told us, “He just threw three big ones under the bus and he’s just warming up.” He had this warning for Trump, “Don’t be surprised if next year Bob Mueller end up with the gold medal. And Trump has to be worried about that Russian judge!”



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