The Clown Car Update for October 29, 2017

Posted: October 29, 2017 in New Post


This week Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona gave a historic speech on the floor of the Senate to tell us something we didn’t know and something we knew for a very long time. First, he surprised us by announcing that he would not seek re-election in 2018. Then he told us the reason: Donald J. Trump is such a flaming asshole that no one but a total weasel could possibly support this man. All the weasels listened in shock, and then sat there kissing their photographs of Trump’s ass. But there was an even greater statement denouncing Trump that got a lot less attention, but here at the Clown Car Update, we have obtained a transcript of a speech given by none other than the God of the Old Testament.

People of Earth,

Yes, I know you screwed up before with Richard Nixon, The Jerry Springer Show, and thong underwear for men. But Donald Trump? Really? Didn’t you learn your lesson with The Hindenberg? Large bags of unstable gas are dangerous. And what you have done is take the Hindenberg, put it in the White House, and called it your president. At first, I thought it was my fault. I gave you free will and what do you come up with? The fucking Electoral College. I hope you realize that Ben Franklin came up with that after his kite was hit by lighting. Well, I tried to warn you in 2000 with Bush 43 and Florida but what did you fixate on? Hanging chads. Pathetic. Maybe I was too subtle.

So now I have no choice but to announce today that at the end of my term, I will resign as your god and leave you to figure out what to do with Donald Trump. This is your mess, you clean it up. All over the universe, the other gods are starting to talk. I can no longer stand by and watch a man who thought hookers pissing on bedsheets was a turn-on ruin my reputation. And Mike Pence here’s a little clue for you. Stop using my name and stop calling your wife “mother” or I will turn both of you into a cake at a gay wedding.

So this is goodbye. I could have done floods, fire, famine, or locust. But I think just leaving you in the hands of Steve Bannon is punishment enough. Oh, and by the way, a closing note to Bill O’Reilly: I heard your little tear fest. Stop blaming me for getting your dick stuck in your zipper. You should have hooked up with your friend Donny. I hear he has connections in Russia.

This is the word of the lord.

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