The Clown Car Update for October 22, 2017

Posted: October 22, 2017 in New Post

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Recently, Sarah Huckabee Sanders started a little tradition at the daily press briefing to make her seem almost human. She walks out to the podium, then forms a twisted Cherrio with her mouth as her eyebrow critters float up and down like a broken lava lamp. Then she tries to charm the press with a letter from a child not living in Puerto Rico.  As always, the Clown Car Update felt compelled to fact check this letter and we found that surprise, Sarah hasn’t been completely honest with us.  So we rummaged through the White House dumpster and found some letters that Sarah chose not to share with us. So here are some of the letters Sarah deep-sixed:

Dear Mr President,

Hi. My name is Tommy and I live in Lincoln, Nebraska. I am eight years old and in the fourth grade and I voted for you in my class elections last year. I thought I would write you because I have a problem. I wet the bed sometimes. I heard that you like people that wet the bed a lot and sometimes even pay them to do it for you. My mother and father are planning to take me to Washington when school gets out, so I wondered if you would like for me to come and wet your bed in the White House. I saw on TV you paid some Russians to do that for you, but I would be happy to pee on your bed for free. Just let me know. Also, would you tell my mother that if you touched her she wouldn’t get leprosy from you like she tells all her friends.

Your friend,

Tommy

 

Dear Mr President,

My name is Melissa and I am in the seventh grade and have a pet cat. His name is Donald, which I named after you because he is orange. I love Donald and he is a great cat but my parents want to get rid of him because he goes to the bathroom on the living room rug. I thought you would understand because I heard my parent say that you shit all over the country and they want to get rid of you too. I think we should be kind to animals like my cat who is sick. My parents tell everyone that you are sick, so I knew you would understand.

Hoping to be your friend,

Melissa

 

Dear Mr President,

My name is Charlie and I am in first grade. I voted for you in my class election last year because I heard everyone say that you acted like you were in first grade too. I listened to all your speeches and my mother and father took me to one of your rallies. That is why I am writing you. A man had a tee shirt on that had “Grab ’em by the…” and before I could finish reading it, my mother put her hands over my eyes and took me outside, Could you please tell me what we are supposed to grab? Every time I ask my mother she puts a bar of soap in my mouth and won’t let me have my Xbox for a week. I want to be a good American and grab whatever you grab.

Thanks and don’t tell my mother I wrote you, cause she thinks your an asshole.

Thanks,

Charlie

 

Dear Mr President,

My name is Hillary and I live in New York. I am no longer in school, but when I was I went to Wellesley College and Harvard Law School. You may not recognize those names because they are real universities. Anyway, while I was reading the very successful New York Times online this morning, I came across this interesting fact. I BEAT YOU BY THREE MILLION VOTES!

Eat that asshat!

HRC

 

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