The Clown Car Update for October 15, 2017

Posted: October 15, 2017 in New Post

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This week, Donald Trump did some disgusting, horrible things. Well, I guess that describes every week since he was born, so let me be more specific. This week, The Orange Shitbag threatened the free press, the people of Puerto Rico, people who need health care, and the continuing existence of the planet Earth.  Sort of makes you look forward to next week doesn’t it? But specifically in health care, he announced a brand new plan that we will refer to as “OrangeCare”. Unlike the ACA, the levels of coverage are very specific. As a public service, the Clown Car Update lists the new Trumpcare levels below:

  • The Donald J. Trump Level: This plan covers the conditions of hand and penis dwarfism. It does not cover diagnostic tests such as colonoscopies as it assumes that you already have enough people crawling up your ass.
  • The Donald, Jr. Level: This covers Safari accidents and scalp infections due to excessive hair oil. It does not cover mental health conditions related to being the son of a famous asshole.
  • The Eric Trump Level: This level covers accidental death from tripping on your own feet, reading, or chocking on your own saliva. Eligibility requires a scoring 10 or lower on an I.Q. test and the inability to locate your own belly-button.
  • The Ivanka Trump Level: This plan covers any foot problems that result from wearing cheap Ivana Trump brand shoes. However, coverage is limited to domestic-made shoes only,  so this plan is not yet available in the United States.
  • The Ivana Trump Level: Nothing says YOU are the First Lady as having health coverage at this level. This policy is for first wives only and covers only cosmetic surgery including tummy tucks, chin reconstruction, and collagen injections. The plan does not cover pre-existing conditions such as Birthing Three Morons.
  • The Puerto Rico Level: This level is designed for people on land masses surrounded by water, specifically oceans, big, big oceans. Coverage is very limited because we cannot be with you forever.
  • The Alt-Right Level: This is mostly for patients who are hospitalized since it provides for unlimited coverage for white sheets.
  • The Bannon Level: This is all-inclusive coverage, however, you only have a 30% chance of having any claim approved.
  • Grim Reaper Level: Under this plan,  no health conditions are covered, but you are entitled to a $10.00 coupon toward an after funeral breakfast to Denny’s. The coupon, however, is only valid in Utah and cannot be combined with any other death coupons.

To enrol in any of these plans, you can go to Orangeshitcare.gov and enter your Social Security Number, date of expected death, and next of kin. The site is available for five minutes a day, one day a week which is not publicized. And remember, the enrollment period is limited to three days in October ending in “day”.  Oh, and Merry Fucking Christmas!

 

 

 

 

 

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