The Clown Car Update for September 17, 2017

Posted: September 17, 2017 in New Post

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Ted Cruz likes porn, this according to…well…Ted Cruz. Late Monday, Ted pressed the like button to place a “heart” expressing his approval of a pornographic video that included two women and a man. The Clown Car can confirm that the man was not Ted Cruz. However, as previously reported here on the Clown Car Update, college roommates have told us that he did have definite tastes in his masturbatory repertoire. So we asked his roommates to give us more detail of the kind of porn sites Ted used to make his putter flutter. Here’s a partial list of what they told us:

BibleBimbos.com: Re-live Ted’s favorite sex stories from his favorite book, the Bible. See just how big Jonah’s whale really was. Read just what a burning bush really means. And see what else Moses was able to do with his magic staff. If you like Bible stories like Ted Cruz, you will love this site. Just don’t stare at it too long, or your pillar may turn to salt!

TexasTarts.com: Nothing is bigger than Texas porn site and this one can show you more positions than Donald Trump on an early morning tweetstorm. So do like Ted does and grab your panhandle and squeeze hard and enjoy the Lone Star porn stars! And remember, in Ted’s Texas, size does matter!

PaisleyPleasure.com: This one is inspired by Ted’s famous paisley robe from his college masturbation days. Take a nostalgic XXX tour of the early 90s when Ted was keeping his roommate awake with his squeaky mattress and sticky keyboard. Just click on the shaking bunkbed and away you go! You can enjoy all the porn videos that put a lump in Ted’s paisley robe.

ChokingtheChicken.com: Relax PETA, there are no real chickens being chocked on this site, just little Ted’s. On it, Ted Cruz himself shares some of his favorite masturbatory techniques which include “The Noah Flood” and “Shake the Bunkbed” If you plan to use that last one, you might want to ask your roommate to sleep somewhere else that night. As Ted warns, it might be a bumpy ride for the guy in the top bunk.

RightWingFlings.com: WARNING: All the men on this site look like Sean Hannity and all the women look like Ann Coulter. Click on this site and among the moans and grunts you will always hear someone whispering, “a little to the right!” If you are a Tea Bagger (and you wouldn’t be here if you haven’t done some teabagging) this one Ted has picked especially for you. Video titles include “Footsie at the Airport” and “Diaper Desire” While you romp through these videos, try to pick out your Senator or Congressman. He’s in there somewhere.

TrickleDown.com: This tempting porn treat comes with a warning: Put a plastic cover on the keyboard because this site will make a big splash! Inspired by the famous Steele Dossier, this website is dedicated to Golden Showers. All the girls on this are Russian and all the men are fat and look like Donald Trump. In fact, they look exactly like Donald Trump. I guess you can say that this is Ted’s favorite “streaming” site.

These are just a few of the many websites Ted has enjoyed and over the years. Many of them have received the highest award given to Ted Cruz porn sites, his Facebook “PeePee” Award. All Ted asks is that if you enjoy his choices, go over to his Facebook page and give him a “like” to let him know you came.

 

 

 

 

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