The Clown Car Update for August 6, 2017

Posted: August 6, 2017 in New Post

437

This week on Episode 437 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we discussed the newly leaked transcripts of the phone conversation between Donnie and real world leaders. But in a Clown Car exclusive, we have obtained a transcript of a phone call that was never reported between Trump and one of his favorite contractors.

But first, a story that has touched the hearts of all Americans. Last week it was revealed that our heroic United States Secret Service was evicted from Trump Tower when Donald Trump turned a tiny thumbs-down on a new lease forcing the brave agents to relocate to the street below. Braving the summer swelter and choking on exhaust fumes, these brave men and women honored their mission to protect their penis challenged orange client by working out of a hot dog cart in front of Trump Tower. Now, they need your help.  If you are in the vicinity of Trump Tower, please go and buy a tiny hot dog called a “Donnie”, an orange slush, or a bag of Trump Tiny Nuts to show your support for these patriotic Americans. Every penny will go to protect our Secret Service Agents from the insensitivity of their prick landlord!

And now, exclusive to The Clown Car Update, here is the transcript of the call between Trump and his favorite contractor, Satan:

Satan: Beelzebub, here. Hell is where your heart is. To whom am I speaking?

Trump: It’s me.

Satan: Oh, Donnie. How are things going? That’s a great deal you made; your soul for Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Michigan. I don’t think anybody saw that coming!

Trump: No, and you can’t talk like that to the press, OK? It makes me look bad. But that’s not why I called. There’s a problem up here and you have to fix it.

Satan: Donnie, we already discussed this. I can’t do anything about your hands or your penis. That was the Big Guy, you know? There are some things I just can’t fix.

Trump: No, no. Not that. It’s this Russia investigation. I thought my soul got me eight years as president. They are talking about removing me and replacing me with that pasty leggo guy.

Satan: I think you misunderstood the deal, Donnie. Your soul got you elected. I never said anything about eight years.

Trump: But it’s right here, in Section Three of the Contract, “For your immortal soul you get to win the the presidential election and get eight years.” It’s in black and white.

Satan: First, you should not be bringing up black and white with me after I got Jeff Session through as Attorney General. Second, you are misreading that clause. You get elected and eight years in prison. It’s in the footnote after the asterisk.

Trump: I never read the whole contract. I never read those things. Reading is for losers. I make great deals without reading.

Satan: Yes, my man Putin told me that. He said that deal you signed with those Russian hookers was a real pisser! AHAHAHAHAH!

Trump: If those tapes get out it will kill me!  My wig is all wet and I have shrinkage! This is a killer. And I owe him a lot of money too.

Satan: I know. That’s why I had him handle your election rigging. It was one of my best moves. He looks great on a horse too!

Trump:  I’ve been making calls all day, and yours was the most unpleasant. At least Putin was nice to me. This was bad. And my other line is ringing.

Satan: Oh yeah, that would be Bob Mueller. Anyway, I have another call too. This Eric Bolling is a real crybaby!

It should be noted that we contacted the White House for a comment and received this email from Steve Bannon, Trump’s chief strategist: “Go f**k yourself, you lying motherf**ker. I’m busy sucking my own c**k!” Satan never responded to our request for comment, but we think he and Bannon are the same guy.

 

 

 

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