The Clown Car Update for July 30, 2017

Posted: July 30, 2017 in New Post

436

On Episode 436 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we recapped this long week’s events:

On Monday, Jared Kushner appeared before investigators from the Senate Intelligence Committee to testify about his meetings with Russian officials. In an eleven page prepared statement, he claimed that in the meeting with Donald, Jr. and Russian intelligence operatives, he was so disinterested that he texted an aide asking “Can u pls call me on my cell? Need excuse to get out of meeting.” He later texted the same aide asking, “Can u pls call Ivanka and tell her we are having an affair? Need excuse to get out of administration!”

Kushner said in his statement that his failure to reveal the meetings with Russian officials can be easily explained by his busy schedule and inexperience in politics. Kushner recalled, “I was so busy going from meeting to meeting I even forgot my potty training at times. It got messy!”

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Also Monday, Duke of Orange gave a speech at the annual Boy Scout Jamboree. After the controversial talk in which he described to forty thousand underage boys what it was like to have an orgy on a yacht, he recalled his own experience avoiding the Boy Scouts. He explained that, like with the military, he avoided joining due to a scalp fungus and the fact that there was no pussy grabbing merit badge.

*****

On Tuesday, in a speech in Youngstown, Ohio,  Twitler imagined being put on Mount Rushmore. The National Park Service later Tweeted: “Surveyed available rock. Not enough space available for his ass.”

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Late Wednesday, newly appointed White House consigliere Tony “Walnuts” Scaramucci threatened to call the FBI on Chief of Staff Reince Priebus unless he stops leaking information about him and having the staff call him Scaramucus. On Thursday, Reince Priebus called the FBI himself after waking up with the severed head of the Easter Bunny in his bed with a note that said: “Sean Spicer sleeps with the fishes!”

*****

On Thursday, Congress dealt Trump a setback to his love affair with Vladimir Putin. They passed a veto-proof bill that put heavy sanctions on Russia. “It was a big blow more disturbing than the one Steve Bannon does to himself,” said Anthony Scramucci.

Early Friday morning, America’s death panel, A.K.A. the Republican party,  lost a crucial vote in their attempt to kill Obamacare when John McCain cast the deciding “no” vote killing what the GOP referred to as the “skinny repeal”. Not to be discouraged, Mitch McConnell promised to fight on to repeal the ACA with an “anorexic repeal”. Other plans he has lined up are the “bulimic repeal”, the “average build repeal”, and the “plus size appeal”.

*****

And finally, late on Friday, Reince was thrown under the Prie-bus. After months of speculation that Reince Priebus would be replaced, Donald Trump finally pulled the trigger and fired the beleaguered chief of staff. But still afraid of his ex-boss, Reince issued this carefully worded statement: “The president was very good to me, even when he took me into the Oval Office last night and had the entire cabinet kick me in the balls. That actually didn’t hurt as much as when he held me and let Scaramucci punch me until he ruptured my spleen. Even though it was a terrible beating and doctors warn that there still may be some internal bleeding, it was my honor if it helped advance this president’s agenda. I wish Anthony and the president all the best and apologize for any scratches they may have incurred on their hands from my rib fragments”

Preibus will be reassigned to the position of equipment manager on the newly resurrected Trump University football team. Head coach Anthony Scaramucci brags that they will be “the dirtiest meanest, most intimidating cock-suckers in the NCAA! GO PRICKS!”

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