The Clown Car Update for July 23, 2017

Posted: July 24, 2017 in New Post

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The Clown Car Update has learned of plans by Donald Trump to fire the Senate, the House of Representatives, and the Supreme Court except for Neil Gorsuch. Our Delaware Bureau Chief @francie57, reports that the move is designed to consolidate Trump’s power. The president also has decided to move Kremlin staff into the resulting empty space in the Capitol and the Supreme Court Buildings.

The reaction by Democrats to the move was swift. “He must be locked up!”, screamed Chuck Schumer, as he was being handcuffed by Secret Service\ and charged with the newly declared crime of “Conspiracy to not be nice to President Trump.” Other Democratic lawmakers were unavailable for comment and were seen boarding military aircraft headed for Guantanamo Bay. Witnesses at Andrews Air Force Base say that among the Democrats were some members of Trump’s own former staff including Sean Spicer and former Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sources close to Spicer tell The Clown Car News that his wife found his office ransacked with only a torn Easter Bunny outfit suggesting a violent struggle.

Republican reaction has been mostly muted, with a few exceptions. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell supported the move. “Look, he is allowing us to live and has pledged not to harm our families. I think that is very generous.” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan agreed. “Look,” Ryan said, “we should all be thankful for the opportunity to walk away unharmed. The president did win the election so it really is his government to run.”  When asked about the incarceration of the Democrats, Ryan declined to comment except to say that “Guantanamo is lovely this time of year.”

Reaction from around the world was mixed. French president Emmanuel Macron was taken by surprise. “I should have never shown him Napoleon’s grave,” Macron lamented, “he really, really liked Napoleon’s style!” German Chancellor Angela Merkel offered this assessment, “Let’s just say we have seen this here in Germany and believe me, it does not end well.” As for other reactions, Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels had some bad news for Melissa McCarthy. “We will be letting her go immediately. Spicer in Guantanamo just is not funny.”

Reaction in Russia was ecstatic. ‘We can now admit that we hacked your election and won!”, Vladimir Putin said in a statement, “and we got the idiot we wanted. We not only got our compounds back, but we get to have the Capitol Building as well! That dome will have to go, though. We really prefer onion domes, you know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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