The Clown Car Update for June 11, 2017

Posted: June 11, 2017 in New Post

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There are a lot of things you should refrain from doing when you reach the age of 80. Never try out for the Olympic Gymnastic team. Don’t try to “hold it” until the next rest stop. And never, I mean never, be the last Senator to interview James Comey during a three-hour hearing. And although John McCain never tried a triple backflip and always has a pee bottle handy, he did violate the third rule when the elder statesman and cranky old man from Arizona, apparently had a stroke on live television while questioning the witness.

It was a historic day, to say the least. It was the first time in history that you had the former FBI director, who was fired by the current president, testifying to potential obstruction of justice. Second, it was the first day in that Donald Trump didn’t tweet a word. Sources tell us this was accomplished by distracting him with buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and various artist conceptions of what his inauguration would have looked like if anyone attended.

But it all built to the most dramatic moment at the very end of the hearing when Sen. John McCain, the man who made Sarah Palin and Depends Breathable undergarments famous. As he proceeded,  his line of questioning sounded a drunk asking how his pants got pulled over his head. “Why,” he asked Comey, “did you end the Clinton email investigation and not the Trump/Russia investigation?” This was like asking Franklin Roosevelt why he was fighting the Second World War and not the Civil War. Comey explained that one investigation was finished and one was ongoing. McCain just was totally confused and looked like the time your grandfather wandered into the panty department in Target.

As McCain persisted in asking the same question over and over again and you could see his staff behind him frantically dialing 911 on their cellphones. They were looking on like family members watching Grampa remove all his clothes and jump into his birthday cake. Just shield the kid’s eyes and grab a big towel. But in this case, there was no towel, just Sen. Gramps flailing through papers, which didn’t help because all that was in front of him was his lunch order from the day before. Realizing McCain’s dilemma, Comey explained again that the Clinton investigation had reached a conclusion and the Trump/Russian investigation had not. This seemed to make him angrier, and I swear he mumbled something like “get off my lawn” or “build the dang fence.” He blurted out, “there just seems to be a double standard here.” Yes, John, you are right, there is a double standard. One for when investigations end, and one for when they are ongoing.

Now I know that McCain must have a professional staff who probably took him aside, explained that he had just crapped his pants in front of millions of viewers, and then quickly medicated him. Thankfully, he was the last questioner and was never elected president. But there is a lesson for us all here which is, when you reach the age of eighty, stop hitting on twenty-year-olds, stay close to a bathroom, and never, never go last at a Senate hearing.

 

 

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