The Clown Car Update for May 28, 2017

Posted: May 26, 2017 in New Post

Ryad, Saudi Arabia: Dear Diary, I just landed in Saudi Arabia and I love this place! Everywhere you look, there is a big picture of me just like in my bedroom. So many people come up to me and tell me how better looking I am than Obama because he’s bad or sick. It really feels like home here because all the men are wearing white robes. It’s like one big Trump rally! Later, those guys took out swords and started to dance. It scared the shit out of me and I dropped a load in my pants. They must have really liked my dancing because later the king gave me a medal. The fake news said I curtseyed but like the dishonest media they are, they got the story wrong. I had to dip because my Depends started to shift. On our last night, I gave a speech about how much I love all the Muslims there but that I really don’t want them coming to my country. They seemed OK with that because I sold them lots of guns to help them kill other Muslims. Then we all touched a big glowing ball and it told me I was the best-looking president ever, I had bigger crowds than Obama, and I really won the popular vote. I must remember to fire Sean Spicer and get one of these balls.

Tel Aviv, Israel:  Dear Diary, we finally landed in Israel and believe me, it is good to be out of the Middle East. There are too many Muslims with swords.  My son-in-law Jared is here too and he’s a Jew, so that makes Bibi happy. Bibi has a wall like I want and I got to go there with a guy with a beard and a beanie on his head. They gave me a beanie to wear too, but mine had a helicopter on it.  I touched the wall and everyone thought I was praying but I closed my eyes and wished that Jim Comey would drop dead. Just in case, I hid the tape of me trying to bribe him in a hole in the wall. Later at a news conference, I assured Bibi that I never told the Russians what he told me about ISIS. He looked surprised.

Rome: Dear Diary, Today we landed in Rome. After this, they said we will go to Italy. I can’t wait for Italy because there you get to grab anything you want and get away with it. It’s like all the Italian men are Donald Trump. I tried to grab Melania’s hand on the tarmac but she slapped my hand away. I think she’s still mad about that pissing thing in Moscow or maybe that pussy thing. Whatever, she won’t even hold my hand. She says she doesn’t know where it’s been. Sad. She is such a loser because I have the biggest, best hands to hold. Even those guys in the sheets in Ryad held my hand. I never kissed them like Bush though, because that’s gay and I am not gay. Also, my penis is really big.  I met the pope today. Sean Spicer wanted to come along to confess to lying so much. I sent him home. The pope wore a beanie and a robe. I guess he’s half Muslim and half Jewish. I gave him a set of books from Martin Luthor King, Jr. and told him how much the blacks loved me at home. Then I asked him if he would go on CNN and tell everyone that I am not under investigation by the FBI. He said no and instead gave Ivana a rosary and told her to pray for America. He’s really something. Such a kidder! As we left, all the Cardinals waved goodbye with the special Cardinal Salute holding up their middle fingers in my honor.

Brussels, Belgium: We arrived in Belgium which is a nice break from my European trip. Here I will attend a NATO meeting. To be honest, I have no idea what NATO stands for, but Bannon tells me they owe me a lot of money. I told them to pay up or I might have to send some Russians to mess up their beautiful city. Then we took pictures and some guy from Montenegro tried to get his mug in front of me. I gave him the Montana Body Slam and got in front of him. Note: Add Montenegro to my travel ban. Tomorrow we go to Sicily and I’m looking forward to seeing some old mob buddies hiding there. I guess I’ll be meeting with the seven Giamatti families because they call it the G-7. They helped me with a lot of real estate deals so maybe they can help with Comey. Tomorrow we fly back to Washington where I can finally have some KFC and a decent bowel movement. Traveling really blocks me up and I’m having a Movantik moment. And after I get back, Kellyanne promised me THREE scoops of ice cream and I will be giving the commencement address to the 2017 class of Trump University. “Go Pricks!”

 

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