The Clown Car Update for May 21, 2017

Posted: May 21, 2017 in New Post


Sources close to the White House have told the Clown Car that the president of the United States has defected to Russia. Apparently thinking around the president’s legal team is that after the appointment of a special counsel on Thursday, this was his only move left. Last night, on his first foreign tour of his presidency, Trump tweeted one word that left the world baffled.It was “Rosebud.” Moments later, our sources tell us, Trump ordered Air Force One to be prepared for an unscheduled stop in Moscow, Russia.  A few hours later, Trump’s entourage landed at Domodedovo International Airport where they were greeted by Trump’s closest friend and advisor, Vladimir Putin.

On the flight to Moscow, Trump’s new press secretary, Sean Spicelov told reporters that Trump felt underappreciated by friends and enemies alike and decided to spend the rest of his life among the only source of support he had left, the Russians. The scene on Air Force One was surreal as Spicelov, who bore a striking resemblance to Sean Spicer except for a pair of glasses with a big nose and mustache attached, told reporters the plan. Apparently, weeks ago, when the president met with Sergey Lavrov and Sergey Kislyak in the Oval Office, a note was passed from Trump to Lavrov asking to get him out of this mess. Apparently, all the laughing that was seen on the photos of the meeting was Lavrov’s reaction when Trump lamented that he should have never left those pissers in Moscow. Trump said everything trickled out of control since then. The Russians at the time assured him that if he ever needed to get away, the girls in Moscow were still there, ready to shower him with praise.

The appointment of the special counsel was the last straw, according to Spicelov, and the plan was set in motion. Trump contacted Putin’s office and, in exchange for the nuclear codes, Putin agreed to give Trump asylum. When asked by Andrea Mitchell of NBC News about the wisdom of giving such sensitive information to Putin, Spicelov abruptly turned the press briefing over to Sarah Sanderlosky, who, except for a blond wig and a large mole on her nose, resembled Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She dismissed Mitchell’s question, explaining that the nuclear codes were the property of the American people, not the fake news press. Asked if she Trump was concerned Putin would use the codes against the United States, she replied, “well, that would solve the problem of that special counsel then, wouldn’t it?”

When we contacted Melania Trump at Trump Tower, she dismissed the entire incident as her husband just acting out. Melania Trump told The Clown Car that her husband was engaged in “boy talk, and he was led on – like, egg on – from Lavrov to say dirty and bad stuff” in the Oval Office. “He’ll be back!” When asked how she was so sure, Melania responded, “he forgot his golf clubs!”




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