Faster than a speeding Tomahawk Missile. More powerful than the Mother of All Bombs. Able to leap Sean Spicer in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a man! It’s a real estate agent. No, it’s SuperJared! Yes, it’s SuperJared, strange visitor from another family who came to Trumpopolis with money and real estate holdings far beyond those of mortal men. SuperJared, who can change the course of legislation, bend his father-in-law with his bare hands. And who, disguised as Ivanka’s husband, mild-mannered heir to a great metropolitan branding mogul, fights a never-ending battle for revenge, money and the Trumpian way. And now on Episode 422 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we feature the adventures of SuperJared.
In today’s adventure, SuperJared’s arch-enemy, the hygiene-challenged madman, Lex Bannon, is scheming to take over the world. His newest plan involves the madman’s latest dastardly invention, the Shrink-O-Ray. Bannon, along with his loyal and equally greasy assistant, Typhoid Conway, plans to use the ray to shrink the president down to the size of his own penis and put him into a condom containing an exact replica of the Oval Office. Conway is skeptical of the plan and wonders aloud if it has a chance of working. “Of course it will work,” Lex Bannon says with a sinister laugh, “just look at what it did to his hands!” Conway and Bannon start howling together with the image of little Donald stuffed in a condom.
Meanwhile, in another part of the White House, Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared, are meeting with Russian and Chinese bankers to finance her newest idea for child care for poor working families, a chain of daycare centers run by undocumented aliens forced to wear uniforms from her line of clothing. Suddenly they hear the clanking of a large piece of equipment being rolled past the conference room. Ivanka peeks out and tells Jared that Bannon and Conway moving something that looks like a food cart toward her father’s office. Becoming suspicious, Jared excuses himself from the meeting with the excuse that “you can only rent coffee!” Everyone chuckles unaware of his real intention.
Quietly, in a stall in the executive bathroom, Jared Kushner removes his sweater vest to reveal his true identity, SuperJared! On his chest was emblazoned the letter “K”, the seal of the Family of K. SuperJared’s real name, Jar-K was from his native planet, Shiftyon. He was sent to earth just before his father, Chuck-K was sent to prison for tampering with Shiftyon’s orbit. On earth, Jar-K had super-powers due the gold found everywhere in Trumpopolis. His only vulnerability was felonite, a radioactive material left over after his father’s trial and conviction.
Now, in his real identity of SuperJared, he streaked to the Oval Office with super-speed where Lex Bannon and Typhoid Conway were just about to turn President Trump into condom size pee-pee. Disguised as a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, original recipe, they already had the barrel of the Shrink-O-Ray aimed right at the president’s stomach, the easiest target to hit. Just then, SuperJared crashed the door of the Oval Office causing the taxpayers of Trumpopolis four-million dollars in repair costs. “Stop!” he yelled and grabbed Conway’s hair, trying to pull her away from the weapon. But SuperJared was unable to hang on since Conway’s hair was greasy with the residue of felonite and not being washed for a month. This gave Lex Bannon just enough time to complete the firing sequence on the Shrink-O-Ray and smacked Donald right in the breadbasket! He immediately shrunk and was vacuumed into the orange condom attached to the weapon. SuperJared was too late, and the president could not be saved. Just then, Ivanka, hearing the commotion, ran into the Oval Office. She was shocked to find her father stuffed into a condom and SuperJared holding Conway and Bannon for the Secret Service to arrest them. Just then, Ivanka noticed that SuperJared has toilet paper trailing from his tights. “Why, Jared! You were SuperJared all along!” His secret identity revealed, Jared kissed Ivanka and admitted the truth.
“Well quick, SuperJared,” Ivanka said, “fly fast around the word and turn daddy back!” “No,” SuperJared said with a smile, “let’s just keep him like this for the rest of his term. After all, he has been screwing things up pretty bad the first hundred days.” “But who will run everything?” Ivanka wondered aloud. “Well, I will,” boasted SuperJared, “I will run EVERYTHING!” “But what about dad in that orange condom?” “Don’t worry, dear, to him it is like nothing ever changed. To him, he is still one big prick!”