The Clown Car Update for April 2, 2017

Posted: April 2, 2017 in New Post


Breaking news on Episode 421 of the Tim Corrimal Show!

President Trump today signed an executive order banning the use of certain salad dressing from being used in the country until further notice. The ban targets specific types of dressing including French, Greek, Italian, Ceasar, Thousand Island, Ranch, and Catalina. The ban is to go into effect immediately. Trump’s order states that use of these six dressings will be banned until, as the president stated, “we can find out what the hell is in them!” Further, the executive order directs the TSA, and ICE personnel to give preference to the entry of Russian dressing, which the president identified as being unjustly persecuted.

In the wake of the signing of the executive order, chaos has broken out at the nation’s restaurants and fast food chains. There was total confusion on what to do about salad dressings that have already been ordered by customers or have been stored in restaurant refrigerators. Reports have surfaced of salads and salad bars being detained in the kitchens of restaurants until the dressings on them could be thoroughly vetted. In many cases, customers have had to go straight to their appetizers or in extreme cases, right to the entree without having their salads served. Pro-salad dressing groups and salad dressing attorneys are reportedly on the scene trying to get these salad dressings admitted and sent to their destination tables.

“We are here to offer free legal advice to any salad dressing that has been illegally detained as a result of this unconstitutional ban issued by the president,” said Amy Smith of the Legal Center for Free Dressing Choice. “Whether you have ordered your dressing on your salad or on the side, this is a miscarriage of justice. People expecting to have their salads have been delayed here for hours until details of the ban are clarified,” Ms. Smith, who was working at a table in the Brooklyn Pizza Hut, told us that by her count, at least fifty salad orders were being detained at this location alone. “It is causing total chaos and the customers have been waiting hours to see what awaits their salads,” she told us.

Within hours of the ban’s announcement, spontaneous demonstrations of support have broken out all over the country. At the food court in LAX airport, police say at least ten-thousand pro-salad dressing supporters gathered outside to protest the president’s executive order. Signs saying “Free Our Fat-Free” and “Don’t Serve Our Constitution On The Side” were seen as protesters blocked the “Pick-Up” line.  One protestor told me she drove all the way from Catalina when she learned of the ban. “I live in Catalina,” Myra Donnally told me, as she waved a sign that declared “Catalina Dressing Just Wants To Be Part Of America!” “We have decent, law abiding dressings where I come from, and this ban hurts”, she told me while tears filled her eyes.

At least three legal challenges to the ban have already been filed in Federal Courts around the country.  Ellen Rosenblum, Oregon’s Attorney General, was the first to file for a stay of the order. In a statement issued with the filing, Ms. Rosenblum said:

It has always been the constitutional right of our people to have whatever salad dressing they want on their salads, regardless of their origins. In our state, in particular, we have many ranchers who look to the United States as a free and open market for Ranch dressing. To favor Russian dressing over Ranch is not only discriminatory, it is absolutely un-American!

For the administration’s part, it is fiercely pushing back at any suggestion that the executive order is outside the president’s authority. At an impromptu press briefing, press secretary Sean Spicer, in a contentious exchange with American Urban Radio Networks’ April Ryan, began screaming:

If the president puts Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow that’s Russian dressing favoritism! At some point April, you’re going to have to take no for an answer to ‘can I have Asian Balsamic on my spinach”

As he angrily stalked off from the press briefing, a reporter shouted out a question to which Spicer furiously responded, “No, that stain on my tie is not Russian dressing, it’s mustard!”

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