This week on Episode 420 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we have obtained a letter sent from the Kremlin to Donald Trump separating him from their employment. Following is the letter our agents intercepted:
It is my sad but necessary duty to inform you that the Kremlin, specifically President Putin, has concluded that your services are no longer needed. It was not easy to reach this conclusion since he had placed so much hope and resources into making you appear to be a rational human being. This was obviously a mistake given your propensity to act like a complete oaf.
This action is sad, given the wonderful hopes we had for you and how promising our relationship seemed to be. Starting when you came to Mr. Putin to borrow money for a cab back to your hotel, we thought we had a solid relationship. We provided you with all the aid you needed to succeed. We gave you funds, we gave you support, and we gave you our finest urinating prostitutes. We cleaned those sheets and even had your hotel maid killed afterward. And to prove our loyalty to you, we filmed the whole thing and have safely hidden copies all over the world. All this was done because we thought you were a talented conman who was able to pull off a swindle of the American people without them realizing what we had done. We were obviously mistaken.
First, we never expected that Access Holywood tape and really, you should have tipped us off. While we fully appreciate your sexual proclivities as demonstrated on the many videos we all have enjoyed over the years, we never suspected that you would actually admit such things in public. Don’t take this the wrong way. Those videos have certainly been a big hit at Mr. Putin’s office parties. But really, Mr. Trump, grabbing pussy? Please, Mr. Trump, a little public decorum would have helped.
Then, there is your constant tweeting. Please, Mr. Trump, unlike your taste in women, you are not thirteen. Your fingers are better used for other purposes, like that weird twirly thing you did with your penis. It really gets a lot of laughs every time we watch it at happy hour. But we digress because you really have to stop tweeting about Obama. Forget Obama, it wasn’t him that bugged you at Trump Tower, you idiot, that was us! How do you think we ensure you are living up to your part of the bargain?
And that brings us to our main point. We thought you would be smart enough to keep everyone in your country distracted while we annexed a few more countries like Ukraine and maybe Poland, Belarus, Hungary, and Romania if everything went exactly right. But your fumbling little fingers just proved to your people what we know all along. You have the self-control of a teenager sitting in the bathroom with his father’s porn collection. By the way, does Melania let you do that thing you do on tape with your hair and belly buttons? That is hilarious!
In closing, we along with President Putin would like to thank you for your service to Mother Russia and our prostitution industry. We also have our sincere promise that those videos will never, ever be given to WikiLeaks if you default on your loans. That was a joke, of course. They already have them. So President Putin extends his best wishes for your future endeavors. But from the way we saw you handle the repeal of Obamacare, we have concluded that it is time to repeal and replace you. We ask that you return the keys to the hotel room, the rubber sheets, and the penis extender we loaned you. In short, Mr. Trump, you’re fired!