Here’s the story of a Slovenian lady
Who was brought up to be beautiful and bold
She was just the age that Donald likes them,
No more than twelve years old.
Here’s the story, of a man who’s Shady,
Who was busy conning people from their bucks
He had four kids who were just like him,
Yes, they were cheating f**ks.
Till the one day, Don got rid of Marla Maples
And Melania was purchased over lunch,
And he took her home just like his other trophies,
That’s the way they all became the Shady Bunch.
This week Episode 415 of The Tim Corrimal Show opens with a crisis in the Shady’s big white house. It seems that Ivanka Shady, Don’s little daughter, wants to follow in her daddy’s footsteps and cheat people out of millions of dollars. She decided one day that she will set up a little shop on the sidewalk outside her home and sell shoes. While all the kids were selling lemonade, Ivanka wanted to bring jobs back to her neighborhood by selling cheaply made shoes made in China. Fearing that her step-mother would not approve, she set up a secret supply chain from a Chinese sweat-shop to her home and stored her inventory in her father’s wig closet. To make room for her inventory, she threw all of her daddy’s wigs into an empty room where her father stored a curious yellow liquid that he collected on trips to Russia. In her haste, little Ivanka accidentally spilled a fifty-five-gallon drum of the liquid all over her dad’s wigs. She was in bigly trouble.
Little Ivanka had to replace the urine soaked wigs before her father found out. If she sold all her shoes, she would be able to replace the wigs and still have a little profit. But it all had to be done before the next week when her father was going to run for president of the neighborhood association. She would need help!
First, she asked her step-brother, Steve Shady, for help. But Steve was a nasty bastard! He was too busy running for president of his fraternity, Phi Amma Nazi, to bother helping his step-sister. He just laughed at her and said, “Honey badger don’t give a shit!” Desperate, she continued on to her other step-brother, Reince Shady, who said he had to go on Meet the Press and he only took orders from big brother Steve. What could Ivanka do? She had to sell these shoes fast, but she needed help. Then it came to her! She could always turn to the dependable and but dizzy housekeeper, Kellyanne. She was always dizzy because of all the spinning she did. Though Kellyanne was a maid, she was considered just as Shady as the rest of the family. She came up with a plan.
First, take all the shoes to Nordstrom’s and tell them that Shady shoes are the best and greatest shoes ever, hand made in Italy by artful craftsmen using fine leather. This was a lie, of course, since the shoes were made of plastic and cardboard, just like her father’s career. But lying was part of business, just like her daddy always taught her. So it was all good and as soon as the money started rolling in from Nordstrom’s, Ivanka could replace the wigs.
The plan seemed to be perfect until complaints started pouring in. Nordstrom’s was extremely upset because customers complained that as soon as the shoes got wet, the cardboard disintegrated and left them wearing nothing but plastic bags. Kellyanne tried to convince the department store that they were the Joni Ernst collection. Nordstrom’s did not buy it and dropped the entire line. When they announced they would no longer carry Shady shoes, word got back to Donald Shady. He confronted the maid, Kellyanne, who confessed what she was doing with Ivanka. Fearful that Donald would fire her, she threw Ivanka under the bus and told him about the wigs. She was surprised when Donald started to laugh and laugh. He explained that the wigs were already soaked in urine. Why did she think they were all yellow!
A big family meeting was called and Ivanka told her story to the entire family. Steven Shady said for the first time that he was proud of his little sister and awarded her the Order of the German Cross. The show ends with the entire Shady family sitting on the huge wall Donald built in the back yard to keep their Mexican neighbors out. As the episode ends, Donald takes the nuclear biscuit out of his pocket and, to the delight of his kids, he launches a warhead toward Australia.
Tune in next week for another hilarious episode when Donald Shady accuses his neighbor’s Chihuahua of delivering their morning paper and taking away American dog’s jobs.