This week on Episode 414 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we bring you highlights of Trump’s speech at the annual prayer breakfast on Thursday, one day after his meeting with black leaders to honor the beginning of Black History Month. Here is a recap of Mr. Trump’s remarks:
Thank you, everyone, for coming out today to pray to me and have this wonderful breakfast that was one of the best prayer breakfast ever. The steaks were huge and the eggs were scrambled, just like my executive orders. I’m impressed with the turnout today. I’m looking over the crowd and it looks to me like a million or a million and a half people jammed in here. Of course, the dishonest press won’t report that they are so dishonest. Really, it’s a good thing Jesus and God are here as my special guests to witness the size of the crowd. And if the media doesn’t report the right numbers this time, God has promised to turn Wolf Blitzer into a lump of salt and send locusts to infest Chuck Todd’s goatee. People are coming up to me and saying “Mr. President, this is going to be the most watched episode of “Celebrity Prayer Breakfast” ever. Through the roof! Anyway, we are not here to talk about ratings but prayer.
Before I start, I want to thank God and his son Jesus for coming here today. I know they are almost as busy as I am, so thank you. They have had a remarkable run and have done a terrific job, so let’s give them a round of applause! I plan to appoint them God and Savior for another year, so guys, your job is secure. I’m just joking, we’ll have to see.
Anyway, let me mention my meeting with the blacks yesterday. We were there to celebrate Black History Month. I am happy my administration decided to give blacks a whole month, not just Black Friday like under Obama. And it was a disaster with people pushing and shoving to buy cheap tvs for their black friends. Actually, I don’t have any black friends because for some reason my father never had any black tenants in our building. Luckily Omarosa and Ben Carson brought a bunch of their black friends to the meeting and we talked about Frederick Douglass who is a terrific guy. Fred are you here? I don’t see him. Stand up Fred so we can give you a big hand! What…Oh…he is?! Anyway, I loved Douglass family, although My Three Sons, never had the ratings I had, but then who did? Certainly not Arnold Schwarzenegger, who’s ratings are going down the tubes. So, since we have to pray, let’s pray for Arnold.
But first, I want to talk about Bowling Green and the massacre there. It seems that there was a terrible massacre there that the dishonest press refused to cover, but my advisor Kellyanne Conway was able to slip it by Chris Matthews. Over three million people were killed there by Hillary Clinton’s mobs. Now, the dishonest press (and they are so dishonest) say that not that many people live in Bowling Green. But this is the same press that falsely reported that Inauguration Day was January 21 so all those people showed up to support me a day late. Anyway, let us have a moment of silence for all the people who were not killed in Bowling Green.
And now, from The Two Corinthians, Trump’s Prayer:
Donald Trump, who art from heaven, hallowed be my name, since it has been on the cover of Time magazine more times than Tom Brady. My kingdom come, because I won a tremendous victory in the electoral college and would have won the popular vote if it wasn’t for all those illegal votes in California. My will be done, because I will issue execitive orders, on Earth as it is in Trump Tower. Give us this day our daily briefings, and forgive the press their trespasses, as they are dishonest, and lead us not into temptation to hire Russian hookers, but deliver us from NAFTA and so called Federal judges. Amen