The Clown Car Update for September 18, 2016

Posted: September 17, 2016 in New Post

401

This week on Episode 401 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we take a look at the results of Donald Trump’s alleged physical exam. Spoiler alert: it is the best physical ever in the history of physicals. It was presumably conducted by Dr. Harold Bornstein.

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Dr. Harold N. Bornstein

If you have forgotten, that is the same Dr. Bornstein who reported the results of Trump’s last physical with all the excitement of an adolescent boy discovering his penis. He stated in that letter that “If elected, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” I presume this comparison was based on an autopsy Dr. Bornstein did  on the cadaver of Grover Cleveland. Now if you have never seen Dr. Bornstein, he looks like a cross between Woody Allen and Charles Manson.

So this week,  in response to criticism of Dr. Bornstein’s first letter, Donald Trump released the results of a physical performed last week. Of course, in typical Trump fashion, he did not release the information in a press release or a press conference. He did it as any con man would, on

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Donald Trump on the Dr. Oz comedy hour.

the reality show of another con man, Dr. Mehmet Oz who has promoted African mango seed  as “weight-loss marvel.” He obviously didn’t share this secret with the 267 pound Oompa Loompa seated next to him. That Trump would choose the Oz show is rather fitting, since the spectacle more resembled a fantasy that ends at the end of a yellow brick road. But ignore the man behind that curtain, because The Clown Car will now reveal the actual results, found in a dumpster behind Dr. Bornstein’s office.

Urine Sample:
A random collection reveals that Trump’s kidneys have been stressed by excessive urination on the press. The medical recommendation is that the patient cut back on pissing on the press and go back to his normal routine of pissing on his employees.

Semen Sample:
This is not a routine test, but was conducted at the request of the patient to demonstrate his superior sperm quality. The sample was collected by letting Trump look at pictures of his daughter in a bathing suit. The results were abnormal, with 98% of his sperm consisting of tails with no heads, which also describes his offspring.

Prostate Gland:
Which in a normal human male, is about the size of a walnut. As men age, the prostate tends to enlarge. To screen for prostate problems, the doctor performed a PSA blood test which revealed a low number, which Donald wanted annotated as a golf score. A digital rectal was also performed, in which the doctor inserts a finger in the patients rectum and feels around. This is normally uncomfortable for the patient, but Trump is used people crawling up his ass.

Testosterone:
This test is not done routinely but again was done on the request of the patient, mainly to demonstrate his virility. Trump’s testosterone levels were normal, a surprising result because the doctor noted that he had abnormally tiny balls. In fact, the doctor was “surprised this man had enough balls to run for president.”

Colonoscopy:
This test is performed to screen for colon cancer. To prepare for the test, the patient normally has to drink a liquid that cleans out the colon. It was noted by Dr. Bornstein that during this procedure it was the only time Donald Trump was not full of shit. A tube with a camera is inserted into the patient’s rectum temporarily replacing the cameras from Fox News. The patient is given an anesthetic, which Kellyanne Conway was hoping would last until November 9th. The results of this test were normal, except for one polyp. A biopsy determined that the polyp was not a polyp at all, but actually Rudy Giuliani’s lower plate.

Body Mass Index (BMI):
BMI is a measure of body fat based on height and weight. At six feet and two inches, a normal body mass is 18.5-24.9. Trump’s BMI measured 34.3 which is considered obese. To make the number appear normal, Dr. Bornstein listed Trump’s height as seven feet and one inch.

Blood Count:
Trump’s red cell count was high, attributed to his love of red meat and Vladimir Putin. Not surprising,  he had a ton of white blood cells. A blood smear was performed which under a microscope revealed that his white blood cells were oddly shaped like hoods.

While shocking, the report we found in the doctor’s trash revealed a Donald Trump that was not nearly as healthy as his trip to the Emerald City of Oz would suggest. Dr. Bornstein’s noted that Trump’s only complaints were that his his clothes were tight and he had chronic constipation which confirms what we knew all along, that Donald Trump is nothing but suit filled with crap.

 

 

 

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