The Clown Car Update for August 28, 2016

On Episode 399 the Tim Corrimal Show we know that if you are an undocumented resident in the United States and have been listening to Donald Trump this week,  you have packed, unpacked, and packed your belongings repeatedly. On any given day, at any given hour, Trump would simultaneously give you amnesty and throw you back to Mexico over his big, beautiful wall. You might say he was the Trump version of Schrodinger’s cat, with his mass deportation program alive and dead all at the same time. But unlike Schrodinger’s cat, Trump is never one to get put in a box with a bottle of cyanide. The only poison in his campaign comes from the candidate himself and the alt-right bigots who run it. With his poll numbers shrinking faster than his penis in a cold shower, Donald and his new team of skin-heads decided to float the idea that perhaps he would soften his position and let some of the “good ones” stay, with the condition that they pay back taxes and sign a contract to attend Trump University.

The most bizarre moment came during a Sean Hannity Town Hall when Trump decided to leave the fate of eleven million souls in the hands of the mouth-foaming knuckle-draggers in the Hannity audience. He asked them to voice their approval for choice number one, throw them all out, or choice number two, let them stay.  It was a fascinating  glimpse into what the decision making process would be in the White House during a national crisis. So let’s travel into the future, where President Trump is fast asleep, dreaming of shopping the maternity ward for the next Mrs. Trump.

It’s 3:00AM and the White House hot-line rings. The president’s Chief of Staff, Ivanka Trump, answers and hears the panicked voice of Secretary of Defense, Rudy Giuliani.  Trying to compensate for the loss of his lower teeth, he spits out the news, “The Ruthians have invaded Florida peninthula!” Ivanka clarified, “You mean Russians?” “Yeth,” Giuliani replies. Immediately Ivanka springs into action, rifling through her closet, frantically trying to decided on a casual look, a white a camisole and a blue blouse with jeans or an off-white business suit, better for the press conference. Given the urgency of the moment, she decides to go casual and grabs a Prada clutch as a smart accessory. With the gait of a runway model, Ivanka enters the president’s bedroom and gently wakes the commander-in-chief. “Mr. President Dad, Secretary Rudy is on the phone and it’s urgent.” President Trump shakes her off, “I already told him his health plan will cover the Viagra. Now tell him to go away!” “No, no, that’s not it. The Ruthians, I mean Russians, have invaded Florida,” Ivanka explained.

Bolting up in the bed he was suddenly fully awake. “We have a golf course down there. I hope they didn’t walk all over the greens!” President Trump was frantic. He grabbed his smart phone and started to tweet, “The Russians are bad, pathetic dogs, and so corrupt that I will now start calling Putin Crooked Vladimir.” Ivanka informed him that the Joint Chief’s of Staff had already been notified, but that just annoyed the president. “The Joint Chief’s! To hell with the Joint Chief’s! What about the Hannity?!” “Already waiting in the bunker,” Ivanka assured him.

Down in the Situation Room, a large map was displayed showing the position of Russian troops. “Which one is Florida?” Trump is confused. “The one that looks like a large sock”, points Sarah Palin, secretary of the newly formed Geography Advisory Board. “I know because I’ve been studying maps all my life. Did you know I can see Alaska from my house?” she added. “That’s Florida?! I thought that was Scotland!” Trump grumbled. “Well, never mind, lets get to work!”

Sean Hannity, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Focus Groups, opens a secure video link to the Breitbart.com comments section. “Well, here it is, people, our first crisis. So, my question to you is, number one, do we let them stay in Florida?” The audience grumbled, obviously not liking that choice. “OK, number two, do we nuke the hell out of Florida?” Cheers and whoops and chants of USA! USA! filled the room. President Trump gravely asks for the football. Surgeon General Ben Carson hands him an autographed NFL football. “No that one, you idiot, the one with the codes. It’s not like this is brain surgery!” Trump was irritated, anxious to nuke his first target since being elected. He punched in the codes to launch the missiles.  “Bye-buy, little Marco, nice debating  you!” He seemed to relish the thought of Marco Rubio vaporized like a boiling bottle of Perrier. But no time for that now, the Russians and Florida were destroyed by the Alt-right focus group. After a few celebratory moments, Hannity turned to Trump and asked,  “What would you have done if they didn’t take choice number two?” Trump smiled, “That would never happen, Sean, because everything I do is number two!”