The Clown Car Update for August 7, 2016

Posted: August 5, 2016 in New Post

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This week on Episode 396 of The Tim Corrimal Show, it’s abandon ship for the GOP! Since his disastrous post convention meltdown, Trump has seen his ship, along with his poll numbers, sink faster than Paul Ryan’s career. While Speaker Ryan is stubbornly standing with Captain Cheeto, other GOP rats, sensing their imminent drowning, are leaving the ship to seek the safety of the Democratic Party. This mass GOP defection, which this week included Meg Whitman, Bush aide Sally Bradshaw, and New York congressman Richard Hanna, has presented the D.N.C. with some unexpected challenges. As brilliantly outlined by Andy Borowitz in this week’s New Yorker magazine, the exodus is causing a refugee crisis never before experienced by D.N.C. staff. In an effort to thoroughly vet the incoming asylum seekers, the D.N.C. has developed a psychological profiling questionnaire to help screen the applicants in order to place them in the proper deprogramming level. Here at the Clown Car we have obtained a copy of the questionnaire.


Thank you for seeking asylum at the D.N.C. We are aware that transitioning  from the fact free environment of the GOP to a data filled world can cause serious mental distress. As a result, we have employed professional deprogrammers who are prepared to bring you back to the world of reality. This questionnaire will help our staff evaluate you mental state in order make your return to sanity as fast as possible, so please answer all questions honestly.

  1. When did you become a republican?
    1. Less than one year ago
    2. 1-5 years ago
    3. After a massive head injury
  2. As a member of the republican party, have you ever:
    1. Worn a three pointed hat
    2. Worn a foam Lady Liberty crown
    3. Seen Jesus on a piece of toast
  3. Have you ever been treated for the following:
    1. Obama Derangement Syndrome (ODS)
    2. Minority aversion
    3. Meka Brezinski virus
    4. David Vitter Dermatitis ( commonly known as Diaper Rash)
    5. Clinton Derangement Syndrome (CDS)
    6. Afluenza
    7. Benghazi Fever
  4. Have you ever endorsed Donald Trump?
    1. If your answer is yes, please attach proof that you have rescinded your endorsement and have been treated by medical professionals.
  5. How often do you watch Fox News?
    1. Once a week
    2. Three times a week
    3. My retina has been permanently damaged.
  6. Do you believe any of the following:
    1. Obama was born in Kenya
    2. Hilary Clinton killed Vince Foster and buried him in the Rose Garden
    3. Hilary Clinton organized and led the attack on our outpost in Benghazi
    4. Trump is a good businessman
    5. Michelle Obama is a man
    6. The Obama dogs are Muslim sympathizers
    7. Vaccines causes homosexuality
    8. Earth was created in 1980 by Ronald Reagan
  7. Climate change is:
    1. Backed up by scientific evidence
    2. A result of too many trees
    3. A liberal plot to take away my guns
  8. Upon seeing a homeless person, you would:
    1. Search your pockets for empty change
    2. Offer to take them for a meal
    3. Kick them and tell them it’s their own fault for not having a 401(k) like youn
  9. Have you ever been the GOP candidate for president?
  10. Are you or have you ever been the Speaker of the House?
  11. Are you capable of conversation that does not include:
    1. Defecit
    2. Less government
    3. Less regulation
    4. Tax cuts
    5. States rights
    6. The second amendment
    7. Liberty
    8. Any reference to Alex Jones
  12. Have you ever plagiarized a Michelle Obama speech?
  13. List highest level of education
    1. High school
    2. College
    3. Post graduate
    4. Trump University
  14. If you were in a public place where there was a crying baby, you would:
    1. Be tolerant and tell the parent it’s no problem
    2. Offer to hold the baby
    3. Punch the parent and tell them to get the baby out of here

After your initial screening, you will be assigned a counselor who will reacquaint you with science, math, and reading. If you are a former member of the Tea Party, personal hygiene will be added to your sessions.  Upon completion of your seminars, you will be given a certificate of completion with the full text of Ted Cruz’s 2016 GOP convention speech not endorsing Donald Trump.


So for all the disaffected republicans seeking to flee the scourge of Donald of Orange, there is hope. The D.N.C has opened it hearts and doors to the poor wandering souls escaping the smoldering ruins of their party. And for those like Paul Ryan and John McCain, who  are still trying to save the ship, a warning: Abandon ship because Captain Don left you a long time ago.

 

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