The Clown Car Update for July 24, 2016

Posted: July 23, 2016 in New Post

394 This week on Episode 394 of the Tim Corrimal Show,  we look back at the GOP convention, which to me more resembled an episode of the Sopranos.  So much so that in addition to all the national news outlets, the convention attracted some foreign news outlets, like Aljazeera America and a little known network run by the mob, Alcapona America. You may not have  heard much about Alcapona because they mostly cover the big mafia meetings which, of course, the GOP convention was. I thought it would be interesting to hear how they covered the convention, so here is a transcript of the Alcapona Network’s summery of the Republican National Convention. A word of caution, the transcript contains psychopathic references, violence to hogs, and Scott Baio.

From the Alcapona Network:

“Hello, Consiglieres and Capos, this is Paulie Gatto reporting from a safe house somewhere in Cleveland. This week, there was a big meeting called by the head of the Trumpano family, Don Trumpano. I’m not kidding, his parents named him Don, like they knew he was a baby, he was going to head one of the families or something. Stupid, right? Why would you name a kid Don? It’s stupid, like naming a kid Barron. First, let me say, that Johnny Kasici, head of the Kasici family in Ohio, was not amused that Trumpano was muscling in on his territory and refused to go. Anyway, it was supposed to be peaceful, no guns allowed in the meeting. As we went in, there was a sign next to a table piled with Italian pastries. It said, “Leave the gun, take a Cannoli”.

On Monday, Don Trumpano comes out and promises a big night of speakers to present his plan to take over. Instead, we get some punk ass guy called “Chachi”. He sounds like the kid who walks my Uncle Dominick’s German Shepard, Reince. Anyway, this Chachi punk starts with the “C” word and right away my wife has to leave upset. Women don’t care for that kind of language, you know. Then the Don’s wife, Melania Trumpano, starts talking and it’s like deja vu all over again. I realize that I heard this speech at another meeting a few years ago run by the Obama Family. This Trumpano woman ripped it off! She seemed like a nice lady, though, and had nice pair of  getaway sticks. Then, everyone starts to walk out and they bring on Joni “The Blade” Ernst. Now I thought Joni loved Chachi, but right away she starts threatening to cut everybody’s balls off. Then, she’s talking about putting bread bags on our feet. I don’t know what she’s taking about, but the only time we use bread bags is to put over some creeps head just before we dump his body in the river. Bad night.

Tuesday wasn’t much better. They brought in a guy named Chris “The Traffic Cone” Christie from New Jersey operation. He seemed like a tough guy, asking everybody if they were guilty or not guilty. Every made guy knows you say “not guilty” in front of the judge. Unless, of course you are paid off to take the rap for somebody, like that McIver woman who ended up taking the rap for Mrs. Trumpano’s speech on Monday.  The night ended when the Trumpano family doctor came in to talk about some Saul Alinsky who I think he said came from Hell’s Kitchen, but I fell asleep.

Wednesday started out kind of boring. The Don introduced his under boss, Mike “Whitie” Penceangelo, then he kissed him which means the next time we see him he will be floating in the middle of Lake Tahoe like Fredo Corleone.  Then there was real excitement, when some Cruz guy from the Texas syndicate came in and tried to assassinate Don Trumpano. Trumpano’s consigliere, Pauly Manaforte, had to drag him and his wife screaming to the back ally where Joni “The Blade” tried to put a bread bag over his head. He got away, I think.

It all ended Thursday when we finally found out why Don Trumpano called the meeting. His daughter warmed up the meeting for him. She seemed like a nice girl, but my wife didn’t think it was nice the way the Don put his hand’s on his daughter’s ass, though. As it turns out, this was one big protection shakedown. He told everyone what a shame it would be if some thugs or terrorists killed our families and our nice country burned down. But there was nothing to worry about because he would make sure no wise guys would come into our place. All we had to do is give him complete control of the operation. Everyone seemed to buy it, and started putting on stupid hats and dancing.

That wraps it up here. This was one of the worst meetings I ever went to, and a lot of the other families are really worried. It looks like this guy Trumpano is real dangerous and we will have to go to the mattress, which some women who knew Trumpano said he liked to do a lot. That’s it from the safe house, and remember, keep your friends close, and take a Cannoli”



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