The Clown Car Update: Republican National Convention Edition

Posted: July 16, 2016 in New Post

393

On Episode 393 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the circus is in town and Cleveland is being penetrated like the “P” in the Trump/Pence logo. Don’t let the big tent fool you, there are no Muslims here. No sir, this is a real American tent holding real American people eager to return to a real America where white women stay home and bake cookies while their white husbands freely grope their secretaries then ride home on all the front seats of the bus. Yes folks, under this tent Americans are free to tell ethnic jokes, make fun of people in wheel chairs, and pray to Jesus that gay people will choke on their wedding cake.  And don’t worry about that black guy in the crowd. He’s just Donald’s African-American. This is America’s tent where you are free to hate anyone not like you and never brush your teeth.

There are clowns, acrobats, and freaks just like the circuses of old. And there are elephants, of course. Not only are they the mascot of the GOP, but a symbol that political correctness and animal rights have no place here. No vegetarians either, just red meat eaters who enjoy their meals served on a pitch fork.

The best part of the GOP circus are the acts right out of American Horror Story. Here are a few you will get to see for the admission price of five-hundred thousand dollars:

  • Speaker of the House Paul Ryan will walk a tightrope suspended high in the air over the jagged ruins of his career and the jaws of Donald Trump. No safety net for this daredevil, he just does not believe in them.
  • House Majority Leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy, a master magician, will perform his famous disappearing act just as he did right before the election for Speaker of the House. Watch as he picks up the microphone and tells the truth about the Benghazi committee and vanishes into thin air like evidence in a Clinton investigation.
  • Sen. Tom “Cotton Mouth” Cotton and his snake act. Cotton will hiss and crackle as he plays with his fellow congressional serpents. In the finale, he leads them over to an effigy of President Obama and they bite him until he drops the Iran Nuclear Deal from his hands.
  • Rudy Giuliani and his famous balloon act. With an uncanny ability to produce incredible amounts of hot air, he will blow up giant balloons, twist them to form the numbers 9/11, and tell how he saved New York. One word of caution. If you are seated in the first five rows, wear rain gear as he has a tendency to spit through his teeth.
  • Gov. Mike Huckabee’s juggling act. This incredible act features the Reverend Huck folding gay marriage licenses into figures of Jesus while keeping thirty gay pizzas spinning in the air. His act ends with everything crashing down, just like his presidential campaign.
  • Sen. Joni Ernst and her famous pig act. “Ball Buster” Joni as she is billed will cut the testicles off ten hogs while sewing bread bags into size ten shoes. As a treat for her audience, she ends the act by serving biscuits to everyone.
  • Gov. Scott Walker and the Koch brothers. This is simply a puppet act.
  • Sen. Ted Cruz, one of our two freak shows, features Ted covered in a full body paisley tattoo pleasuring himself to a Dr. Seuss story. Sorry, but this one is for adults only.
  • Sen. Mitch McConnell, the second freak, is the incredible turtle man. Half man and half turtle, this act really doesn’t do anything. He mainly just stays in his shell, occasionally sticking out his head when he hears President Obama talking.

So enjoy the circus, Cleveland, and remember to get your tickets early. They are selling out faster than  a GOP senator. Remember, prohibited items include air rifles, paint ball guns, blasting caps, switch blades. knives with a blade longer than two and a half inches, billy clubs, swords, hatchets, axes, sling shots, BB or pellet guns, metal knuckles, nun chucks, mace, pepper spray, shovels, fireworks, rockets, sound application equipment, drones, aerosol cans, umbrellas with metal tips, water guns, water cannons, rope, chains, cables, wire longer than six feet, glass bottles, ornaments, light bulbs, padlocks, gas masks, tents, sleeping bags, mattresses, stoves, coolers, ice chests, lasers, non-plastic containers, bottles, cans, hammers, crowbars. canned goods, and finally tennis balls. But fell free to bring your assault rifle, because Ohio is proudly an open carry state.

***NO ANIMALS WERE HURT IN WRITING THIS BLOG***

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  1. […] The Clown Car Update: Republican National Convention Edition […]

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