The Clown Car Update for June 5, 2016

Posted: June 5, 2016 in New Post

390

This week Judge Gonzalo Curiel who is overseeing the lawsuits filed against the Trump University scam released document relative to the case. Included were depositions from former employees of Trump’s who painted a picture of the operation that was uglier than Trump in tights.  But here on Episode 390 of Tim Corrimal Show, our reporters at the  have obtained copies of the actual itinerary from one of the actual sessions:

7:00 – 8:00 AM  Registration ($1500, plus processing and special fees)

Attendees will register at the tables marked “This Is Where You Register”.  If you are uneducated, and we love the uneducated, someone will be available to assist you in finding the table. A nominal five hundred dollar assistance fee will apply. Also, if you are uneducated, don’t attempt to read the registration forms or contracts yourself. A member of our staff will show you where to sign.  Please have a cash or a valid credit card available with a minimum limit of thirty-five thousand dollar.  Sorry, we can no longer accept checks due to the large volume of “stop payments” received after past seminars.

8:00 – 8:45 AM  Breakfast

Breakfast will be served in the main cafeteria. Please be advised that there is a four hundred dollar cover for seating in the cafeteria.  If you are a Muslim, a reporter, or a Mexican judge who is biased against Mr. Trump, please indicate that on your registration form so meals can be specially prepared.  We are not responsible for deaths due to food borne illness.

8:45 –  10:00 AM  Break

There will be a one hour and fifteen minute break so our staff can count your money and verify that your credit cards have cleared. Attendees are encouraged to use this time to call their relatives and friends to borrow money for a possible upgrade to our more exclusive packages.  If you wish, you can provide us with a list of these people and we can call them for you during the break and tell them you have been kidnapped.

10:00 AM – 12:00 PM Seminar 1: The Futility of Suing

One of Mr. Trump’s hand picked lecturers, Joey “The Stump” Bagarella,  will give you the best legal advise about why suing Donald Trump or accusing him of running a scam could get you or a loved one hurt.  You may as well kill yourself if you’re thinking about it, because Mr. Trump will come after you with a counter suit and very nasty Tweets about you and he has millions of followers. And remember, your address and phone number are on your registration forms and you have agreed that we can publish them and the names of your wife and children with the caption “Enemies of Trump”.

12:00 PM – 1:00 PM  Lunch

There will be a one hour lunch break however no lunch will be served on site. Of course you are welcome to bring a bag lunch, however Mexican and Chinese food are prohibited. We will never beat the Mexicans or Chinese if we keep eating their food.  You may leave the building for lunch but an exit deposit of five hundred dollars will be required. You will be provided with ankle bracelets to insure that you do not visit the office of the Attorney General during this time.  Upon your return, assuming you did not contact the Better Business Bureau or the AG, your deposit will be returned less four hundred and fifty dollars for the rental of the ankle bracelet.  Evidence of tampering with the bracelet will result in forfeiture of the remaining fifty dollars.

1:00 PM – 3:00 PM Seminar 2: Hair Care and Tanning

World famous tanning expert and former Speaker of the House John Boehner will present the first half of this session focused on good tanning skills.  This is very important in the real estate business since people want to make tremendous deals with orange moguls. Trust us. The Second half of the session will be taken over by Ann Coulter who will review the various ways to use hair to cover up bald spots and large Adams apples.

3:00 PM – 4:00 PM Seminar 3: Meet Donald Trump

You will practice meeting the real Donald Trump with a life size cardboard cutout of the billionaire.  At this time you will be afforded the opportunity to take pictures with the cardboard cutout which will be available for purchase after the presentation for $300 per print, suitable for framing.  Also, you will be given the opportunity to sign up for the next level of the Trump University curriculum for a discounted fifteen thousand dollars.

4:00 PM – 5:00 PM Evaluations and Debriefing

The final hour will be dedicated to filling out the 100 page Satisfaction Questionnaire praising Trump University’s courses and signing a legal deposition  swearing you loved the course and that it was everything you paid for.  If you have difficulty with this form, our friendly assistant Luca Brasi will keep you focused on completing the forms. After the debriefing you will be shown video of your family taken moments earlier to prove they have not been harmed. Yet.

Attempts to reach Donald Trump for comment on the validity of this agenda were unsuccessful, however in a statement issued shortly after our investigation, Trump spokesman John Miller had this to say: “Trump University has been a huge success believe me.  If that Mexican judge didn’t have it in for Mr. Trump, the best lawyers tell him this lawsuit would be thrown out, of at the very least, thrown over that big, beautiful wall he is building. And if you don’t believe me, I mean HIM,  just ask his African-American!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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