The Clown Car Update for May 22, 2016

Posted: June 3, 2016 in New Post

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This week the presumptive nominee of the Republican party and part time carrot issued a list of potential appointments he would make to the Supreme Court.  The names on the list made Antonin Scalia look like Mother Teresa. The list was full of right wing lunatics and fringe judges who would have no trouble waterboarding suspects to force them to confess to being Mexican Muslim transgender abortion doctors performing gay weddings in the wrong bathroom. But this list was only the beginning and the investigative reporters at the Tim Corrimal Show have obtained a more onerous list of appointments Mr. Trump intends to make with his personal comments attached. Here are just a few:

Vice President: Meat Loaf

“The VP is supposed to attack my enemies and give supporters red meat. This guy is gonna be beautiful because his name has ‘meat’ IN IT!  And he has a hit song about getting laid in a car!” I did that lots of times, believe me. Just look at my hands!”

Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE): Vladimir Putin

“A terrific leader and he has his own horse and gun. I saw him without a shirt and he’s got way better pecs than Obama. He will be in charge of building the wall on the Mexican border and we all know how terrific Russians are building walls! I could just hear those sad Mexicans yelling “Mr. Putin, tear down that wall! Ha, ha, ha!  Watch out Mexico or you will end up being part of Crimea!”

Department of Transportation, Safety Division: Gary Busey

“The guy is tremendous! We need to cut down on safety regulations so our economy can grow, and who better than a guy who cracked his head open to prove you can survive a crash on a motorcycle without wearing a helmet. He’s not asking anyone to do anything he wouldn’t do. Just ask him, just not in front of a microwave”

Chief of Staff: Sarah Palin

“This woman is tremendous with words.  She is an artist with words, like that elephant who just throws paint on the wall. And it doesn’t matter to her what the words mean or if they are really words at all! She is the best with words. And she’s not politically correct with words and he will say any words in any order,  and without verbs. Really, anyone will be making a mistake if they misunderestimated her because she is great in a squirmish!”

 White House Press Secretary: Kim Jong-un

“The guy is beautiful, just like a Korean Donald Trump! He got rich and powerful at a young age, and then he killed his own family to avoid a hostile takeover. We could be brothers! Who better to watch for bad journalists and make them go away.  Between him and Putin,  the next White House Correspondent’s Diner might be held in a gulag!”

Secretary of War on Christmas: Bill O’Reilly

“This guy is tremendous and he knows zones. War zones, no spin zones, you name it, he’s zoned!.  He fought at the Falkland Islands and I hear he got shot several times in the head.  You’d never know it, though. Then he bandaged up his own wounds and walked 4,581 miles to a Holiday Inn in Mexico  City to file his report. On the way he saved some Catholic nuns from being killed and made them breakfast. He’s no liar and a real American hero because he told me many times. Under his leadership we will plant the new American flag with a nativity scene instead of stars and the Ten Commandments for stripes in every country we invade to take their oil.

Personal Secretary: Megyn Kelly

“Since this girl had her lobotomy she has been tremendous. Did you see that wonderful interview I wrote for her the other night? She read all the lines like she was told and really has no problem with me calling her a bimbo. Actually, she really likes it and laughs when I say ‘Hey, bimbo, get me a cup of coffee!’. She stares into space a lot now, but she’s a sweet girl and a tremendous typist”

Special Prosecutor: Alex Jones

“This guy knows things no one else in the media knows.  He’s tremendous and he will be in charge of the biggest investigation in American history.  People have actually told me that. They come up to me and ask ‘Mr. Trump, how can you let that transgender Michele Obama get away with murdering Joan Rivers?’ Well here’s my answer. She’s going to jail, folks! Alex Jones will have unlimited authority to find the evidence and put Mrs., Ms., or Mr. Obama or whoever she is behind bars!”

White House Mascot: Ronald Reagan’s Corpse

“Hey, honestly, I’m a huge conservative.  I’m a Reagan conservative and he inspired me tremendously with the great stuff he did.  And speaking of stuff, that’s what I had them do to his body so it can sit here and inspire me every time I have to make a decision or have to push one of those buttons in that brief case which I find very interesting and may push some day just to see what happens. Ronnie is right here looking as new as a box of Twenty Mule Teem Borax! And I gotta say, next to me, he had the best hair for a president”

This is just the beginning. As the GOP congeals around Trump like a blood clot the Donald will no doubt get bolder, issuing new lists of appointees to his make-believe Trump White House.  We will have continuous updates on this series of reports we call “The Swindler’s List”.

 

 

 

 

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