The Clown Car Update for May 1, 2016

Posted: May 1, 2016 in New Post

385

On Episode 385 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we speak with God.

Recently, Glenn Beck pulled his head from out of his anus and told America what he found up there.  And what he found is truly Beckian! Apparently, God or the universe is putting us to a test, and whether or not we make the right choice will determine if He removes his protective hand from the United States.  According to Beck, George Washington and God had a “covenant”, just as he did with Moses.

The Clown Car was skeptical, so we contacted God on the telephone. We caught up with him at a Prince concert and he was gracious enough to take time from the music to speak with us about George Washington and the current election cycle:

CC: Thanks for taking time away from the concert to speak with us. So, it looks like Prince took no time at all to start rocking this place.

G: Yea, we were sorry you lost him, but man, he has turned this place PURPLE!

CC: So to the point, Glenn Beck has quoted you as saying that if we don’t elect Ted Cruz president, you will destroy the covenant you made with George Washington and destroy the United States. Would you care to comment?

G:  Remember that debate when that booger fell out of Ted Cruz’s nose? Well, that is exactly where Glenn Beck and Ted Cruz came from.  They are basically boogers that fell out of my nose.

CC: So you don’t endorse Cruz or Glenn Beck’s version of history?

G: Look, they are both mistakes, everyone makes them, I’m no exception.  Look at that Scalia.  I originally thought he would make a good brain surgeon, but some joker admitted him to law school and another one of my big mistakes put him on the Supreme Court. Oh, and speaking of brain surgeons…

CC: Let me interrupt to stay on point: So you don’t like Beck or Cruz?

G: You know, I would kill them right now,  except that they would ruin a great party up here with Prince and David Bowie.  The last thing I want are those two up here whining and kissing my ass.

CC: So to be clear you do not have a favorite candidate in the current elections?

G: Jesus, are these people down there stupid or what?  That was actually a question for my son, Jesus. He’s over there dancing with Janis Joplin. He’s shaking his head “yes” and twirling his finger making the “nuts” sign.

CC: And finally, this covenant with George Washington, any truth to it?

G:  Look, the guy suffered from motion sickness, OK? So I gave him Dramamine patches so he could cross the damn Delaware without throwing up.  I did ask him to not run the country with a king.  I really had it with kings after Solomon pulled that stunt with the baby. He was a real hot dog, if you know what I mean.  And don’t get me started on Herod!

CC: Well, thanks again for speaking with us and clearing up some of the rumors that Beck has been spreading about you.

G: No problem. And don’t worry about that Cruz guy becoming president.  I just killed his changes today by giving him the idea of naming Carly Fiorina his running mate. BOOM goes the dynamite!

We left God laughing and waving his hands like someone who just pulled off the greatest practical joke.  And as we departed, he formed a hashtag with some clouds that said #VoteBlueNoMatterWho.  Great advice from the big guy!

 

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