The Clown Car Update for April 17, 2016

Posted: April 17, 2016 in New Post

383Episode 383 of The Tim Corrimal Show presents Part 2 of an exclusive expose on the sexploits of presidential candidate, Ted Cruz. This week we learned that as solicitor general of Texas, Cruz defended a law that essentially made it a crime to sell sex toys, which prompted  this Tweet from screenwriter Craig Mazin who was Cruz’ roommate in freshman year:

Ted Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to “stimulate their genitals.” I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.

So the Clown Car Enquirer sent its reporters to talk to several college friends of Ted’s. WARNING: The stories you are about to hear are shocking and graphic.  If you recently had a meal, you may want to wait a few hours before continuing.

As we sat down with this group of Ted’s former acquaintances,  you got a sense that at first they were uncomfortable talking about his masturbatory exploits. But as the interview went on, a disturbing picture of self abuse emerged.

“He would masturbate to Biblical themes. It was real freaky!”, one person told us as the others shook their heads in agreement. After a few round of drinks they became more comfortable and spoke of Ted’s favorite Biblical masturbation games:

Joseph’s multicolored coat:  Yes, that is what he referred to that sticky paisley robe he wore.  He claimed that like in the Bible, his father gave him this robe to wear to show he was special and destined for greatness. He wore it every day, but what we didn’t know until later was that the pockets were just slits so he could get to his junk. He used to play with himself and wander into the women’s wing yelling “I am Joseph with the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”.   After several complaints, campus police warned him to stay in his room if he wanted to play with himself. His nickname on campus was the “Paisley Boner”.

The pillar of salt:  That’s how he referred to his erection when he re-enacted the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. He would say his right thigh was Sodom, and his left thigh was Gomorrah and his boner was Lot’s wife, who disobeyed the angels’ orders and looked at Ted’s legs. As punishment, Ted would beat the pillar until it was a flaccid salty mess.

Jonah and the whale:  You guessed it, Ted would pretend to be Jonah and he was about to be swallowed by his huge “whale”, which he would called little  Ted in this fantasy.  As the “whale” grew bigger and bigger, Ted would beat it until it spit him out and he was free.  He would then fall asleep caressing his wonderful whale friend.

Walls of Jericho:  Ted was very proud of this particular masturbatory exercise because it required extraordinary flexibility. He would pretend that he was the Israelites and he was going to knock down the Walls of Jericho.  He would wait for Joshua’s command and blow his “trumpet”.  The walls would fall, as well as his trumpet!

The Great Flood & Noah:  This one he would do in the bathtub.  He would fill up the tub and pretend he was the ark.  On board was Noah and a pair. Every so often, Noah would pop up above the water to see if it was still raining.  Ted would shove Noah up and down, up and down until the rain was finished and it was safe for Noah and the pair to come out. After several of these episodes, his roommates insisted that he Clorox the tub.

These were jus a few of the horror stories friends and former roommates told us about Ted’s self-stimulation. Apparently he felt that his self-pleasuring was justified because he was using it to demonstrate his mastery of the Bible.  Now while we couldn’t conclude that Ted was a master of the Bible, we do know one thing: He was never the master of his domain!

 

 

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