The Clown Car Update for April 3, 2016

Posted: April 3, 2016 in New Post

381

This Week, The National Enquirer, the publication that brought you lizard people produced an even more bazaar and outrageous story : That Ted Cruz had affairs with five women. Now it was hard to believe that five deer ticks would want to attach to Ted Cruz. So for Episode 381 of The Tim Corrimal Show our investigative reporter did some snooping around for our exclusive publication, “The Clown Car Enquirer” and the story we found is shocking. First a disclaimer:  If you are at work or children are listening you may want to put on your earphones now.

We first went to Calgary and spoke to Margaret Courtney. In December 1970, she was the head pediatric nurse at Foothills General Hospital. Now retired, Ms. Courtney remembers the horror like it was yesterday. “He terrorized the entire staff. He would carry on with that high pitched sound that comes out of his mouth until he got attention. Then he would try to latch on to the nurses nipple right through her uniform.  It was like that face-hugger in “Alien”.  We honestly didn’t know which end of that creep to put the diaper on”.  Ms. Courtney said after he left some of her staff didn’t speak for months.

Next we traveled to the home of Nancy York, who worked for a professional babysitting service in 1975.  She described the Cruz home as a “house of horrors”. “There were pacifiers everywhere, on the floor, glued to the wall, hanging on a string around his neck.  He was obsessed with nipples.  And his father was creepier than him.  He would stare at me and mumble ‘I am a prophet like Moses. Would you like to see my staff’.  Needless to say, I refused to go back after one day”. Ms. York subsequently moved to California and had a much more enjoyable experience sitting for the Menedez family. “Joseph and Erik were much more pleasant than Ted”.

Next, we spoke with Ted’s first crush, now a neuroscientist studying the brain patterns of sociopaths. “He inspired my career,” she told us, “in a way that no other person could. I remember, we were in the third grade and every day he would try to kiss me on the playground. His face was like the opposite pole of a magnet; The closer it came, the more you were repelled. One day he refused to leave recess until I kissed him. When I refused he whipped out a copy of Dr. Seuss and threatened to recite “Green Eggs and Ham” until I did.  I remember the principle dragging him in while he shouted ‘why am I persecuted?’

Ted’s date date for the senior prom, who spoke on the condition that she remain anonymous, told of a strange incident on the night of the dance.  Ted drove her to a secluded area and produced a blond wig, and asked her to put it on. She recalled, “At first I thought it was some strange sexual fetish, but then he asked me to sing “Happy Birthday Mr. President”, you know, like Marilyn Monroe?.  I was so frightened that I started to cry and he yelled ‘why am I persecuted?!’. It was our last date”.

Skipping over his well documented “paisley robe” period, we went straight to his days clerking for Chief Justice William Rehnquist.  We spoke with retired Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the phone: “It was the first of October and all the justices were assembled for the official portrait. As we were standing there waiting for the photographer to set up, I felt an unusual breeze under my robes. As I turned to look for the source, I kicked something that turned out to be a head.  It was that creepy Ted guy from Rehnquist’s office.  I remember stomping on his ugly face and he ran away screaming ‘why am I persecuted?!’. I never saw him again”.

And last there is the D.C. Madame allegation.  A Cruz supporter told us this: “To this day, Senator Cruz stands by his story that he was drugged and led to believe that the associates of the D.C. Madame were a race of naked women from outer space”.  However, in a phone call to his now famous nose leak, we got another story: “He knew very well where he was. I was there. I had a nose eye view of everything he did!”

You may doubt this story and the many stories in this report.  And you may think that alien abduction is the stuff of science fiction. But if you think about it, so is five women willing to have sex with Ted Cruz.

 

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