The Clown Car Update for March 13, 2016

Posted: March 13, 2016 in New Post

This week on Episode 378 of The Tim Corrimal Show, our investigative reporter, me, has uncovered an exclusive story that should send shock waves through both the political world and the medical world.

If you recall, at this weeks GOP debate, the RNC Chairman gave a little pep talk before the proceedings to assure everyone, mostly himself, that in the end the republican party will unite behind whoever becomes the nominee. What he didn’t say, was that he was being more literal than anyone could have expected.

Sources close to the chairman have informed me that negotiations are ongoing to have future Surgeon General Ben Carson perform the first ever joining of two people at the head. Priebus was reported as telling insiders that he felt that if Dr. Carson was skilled enough to separate to infants, he certainly can join two infants.  According to my source, the thinking at the RNC is that if somehow they were able to join Donald Trump with Rafael Cruz, the party would end their civil war and concentrate on the November election.

Asked about the other two candidates, Priebus reportedly has given up on them. He told people at the secret brain storming session (pun intended) that “Rubio is sinking faster than Florida”. This quote is remarkable not only for the change in thinking on Rubio, but a remarkable admission by a republican about the effects of climate change. As far as John Kasich is concerned, Priebus was quoted as saying that “Kasich is clinging to Ohio tighter than Karl Rove on election night. It’s pathetic”.

Medical experts I have spoken to have severe reservations about the wisdom of such an operation. One concern is ego rejection. As one Harvard medical professor said, “the danger of joining these two egos into one head cannot be overstated. Donald Trump’s ego is so enormous that even the deluded psyche of Ted Cruz may not be able to survive the shock”.  But there are other concerns beyond medical. Prominent psychiatrists have voiced concern about the socialization aspect of joining two such unappealing brains. “It has already been demonstrated that Cruz’s own daughter can’t stand him already”, one therapist said, “we have already seen how Mr. Cruz’s daughter recoils at the thought of kissing her father. Imagine the trauma of adding Trump to the mix. They must think of the children!”

However, despite all the warnings from the experts, the RNC chairman is determined to go through with the surgery and end this painful primary season. “We are in a great deal of pain, and this surgery may be the only chance at ending the nightmare”,  a source at the RNC quoted Priebus as saying. Both candidate have reportedly passed tissue matches, and the only holdup at this point is assembling the necessary medical staff that can withstand being in the same room with both Trump and Cruz for an estimated 36 hours.  One medical technician who has already refused said that both men are just as offensive when they are under anesthesia.  “Conscious or unconscious they are too obnoxious to tolerate for that length of time”.

How all this will play out in a general election is anyone’s guess. Besides the ethical question of combining two of the most disturbed personalities in the history of American politics, is the question; Will voters react positively to a Ted Trump candidacy. One selling point is that they will be their own running mate, saving some convention drama. But internal polling is not encouraging. According to my source, internal polling shows that likely general election voters still prefer Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders by more than 10 points over a Ted Trump conjoined ticket. Worse yet for the GOP, if Democrats followed suit, a conjoined Bernie Clinton hybrid beats the Ted Trump by a whopping 48%. So a note to the DNC, the ball is in your court now!

Please clap!

 

 

 

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