The Clown Car Update for February 14, 2016

Posted: February 14, 2016 in New Post

With the annoying mini primaries behind us, we can now focus on states with actual populations. So I thought this would be a good time on Episode 374 of the Tim Corrimal Show to look back at the GOP aliens who were briefly with us and are now gone, and who better guide us on our retrospective than Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. So here from the files of Mulder and Scully, are the evasive mysteries of 2016:

Carley Fiorina: X-File “The Fetus Woman”, she gave Mulder and Scully a run for their Planned Parenthood funding when she used her power of defiant lying to put the image of live fetuses in peoples heads. Whenever her deceit was exposed, she would kill humans with a withering scowl, which was used to send her back to her own dimension by making her look in a mirror .

Rick Santorum: X-File “The Frothy Man”, he was first observed oozing from a crack in a small Pennsylvania town and spread as far as Washington, D.C.  He was created from a mixture of lubricant and other nasty material and had a particularly obnoxious smell.  He reached the height of his power in the 2012 Iowa Caucuses, but in 2016, he was forced back into his crack, never to be seen again.

Rand Paul: X-File “The Aqua Buddha Man”,  was an alien with a curious growth on his head believed to be a toxic fungus.  He disappeared suddenly and is thought to be hiding somewhere in Kentucky.

Chris Christie: X-File “The Bridge Man” he once caused a panic when he sealed off New Jersey from Manhattan. He was know for yelling and eating cookies and is believed to have given a computer virus to Marco Rubio and  to have been killed shortly after and buried in New Hampshire.

Bobby Jindal: X-File “Dorian White”, his real name was Piyush and was the son of immigrants from Punjab, India. He became of interest to the X-Files because despite being descendant from Indian immigrants, his portrait in the Louisiana State House turned Caucasian.  Although he was spotted in 2016, he actually died in 2009 attempting to rebut the State of the Union address.

Rick Perry: X-File “Horn Rim Man” was actually a large rock with a head. He was easily tricked back to his own dimension in 2016 by asking him to count to three.

Mike Huckabee:  X-File “The Rapture Man”,  first came of interest when he tried to sneak into the girls locker room in high school, his weakness was a deadly fear of gay people.  He was dissolved after getting a close whiff of Kim Davis’ hair.

George Pataki/Scott Walker:  X-File “The Nowhere Men”, they were conjoined twins who bored each other to death.

Lindsey Graham: X-File “The Fainting Man” he died of freight after reading one of his own warnings about terrorists.

Unfortunately, the more mysteries that are resolved, the more are left to be explained.  Still unexplained are  Donald Trump, “The Racoon Man”; Ted Cruz, “The Slime Man”; Marco Rubio, “The Droid Man”; John Kasich, “The Sweet Talking Man”; Jeb!, “The Invisible Man”; Ben Carson, “The Dozing Surgeon”.  Luckily, we have on our side our own “Mulder and Scully” team of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton to figure out the mysteries of these creatures and ultimately save us all, because despite the lies of the GOP, “the truth is out there!”

 

 

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