The Clown Car Update for January 31, 2016

Posted: February 1, 2016 in New Post

The Iowa Caucuses are the “Groundhog Day” of politics.  Besides sharing the month of February every four years, they have another thing in common: one features rodents crawling out of their holes to make a prediction that almost never comes true, the other features Punxsutawney Phil. Now, I’m not one to make predictions myself. So for Episode 372 of The Tim Corrimal Show we have conducted the first ever poll of Iowa voter. It was devised by me and asked a range of questions in an effort to obtain a profile of the typical Iowa GOP voter. The poll is not scientific, but these voters do not believe in science anyway.  So lets drill baby drill down into their answers:

  • On nuclear weapons:
    • 60% say they trust republicans more than democrats with the nuclear football.
    • 40% think the nuclear football is an actual exploding football.
  •  On climate change:
    • 55% do not believe in climate change
    • 45% believe that snow is God’s dandruff
  • On Renewable energy:
    • Only 1% think we should invest in more renewable sources of energy
    • 92% think we should invest in refillable wine boxes.
  • On Religious freedom:
    • 90% believe that their religious freedoms are being taken away
    • 100% believe they have seen Jesus on a piece of toast
  • On the Founding fathers:
    • 80% believe our founding fathers were Christians
    • 40% believe Moses was one of the founding fathers
  • On Abortion:
    • 100% oppose abortion, even in the case of rape or incest
    • 90% of the respondents say they are the result of incest
  • On Gun Rights:
    • 70% oppose any restrictions on gun ownership
    • 90% oppose any restriction on used car parts in their front yard
  • On President Obama:
    • 66% believe President Obama is the anti-Christ
    • 44% admit to drinking anti-freeze
  • On Science:
    • 33% believe dinosaurs and man co-existed
    • 40% thought “The Flintstones” was a documentary
    • 93% said they believed in intelligent design
    • 50% defined “intelligent design” as a John Deer tractor

You may draw your own conclusions from this profile. Many of the GOP candidates have pandered to the very beliefs that were reflected in our survey, so who will win is anybody’s guess.  But as our friend Punxsutawney Phil has often predicted, you can expect at least six more months of GOP insanity!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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