The Clown Car Update for January 17, 2016

Posted: January 17, 2016 in New Post

This week on Episode 370 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we imagine what it would be like if Donald Trump were to be president for the next State of the Union address.  It is a nightmare scenario that is designed to get you out and vote in November!

The Trump 2018 State of the Union Address

Mr. Speaker, Mister Vice President, Members of Congress, and my fellow European Americans:

On January 20 of last year, I was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States.  This is new to me, because I have never been 45th in my life. I’ve always been first. But I think of it as I’m the first GREAT president of the United States. It doesn’t matter, I’m just saying.

Anyway, let me begin by saying that when I was sworn in a year ago, this country was a disaster.  Believe it or not, we had no military.  None. I couldn’t believe it. We were down to one tank and old musket.  I found most of our smartest generals were locked in the White House basement forced to listen to Joan Baez. She is a disgusting hippy slut.  Anyway, tonight I am proud to report that in one year I have made a tremendous military that is beautiful with new uniforms with a big gold “T” on them!

In July I sent the blueprints for a big wall along with the contractor’s estimate to Mexico.  I think I was fair, I got three estimates just like the last time my limo ran into a homeless guy.  I am assured by the Mexican president that he will look over the estimates and have a check in the mail by this February.  I really think Mexicans love me, because i could hear them all laughing all the time we were on the phone.

I also had a very long talk with Putin.  He’s a really nice guy and said he finally has someone he can talk to man to man.  We even made plans to go hunting together in Russia without shirts.  We didn’t set a date because he said he first would need to find a Russian journalist to hunt, ha, ha”.  He’s a funny guy.  I suggested Joe Scarborough. Just joking, well maybe.  Then as a gesture of love for me, he invaded Poland. Great guy.  Thanks Vladimir.

On the economy, this weekend I directed my Secretary of the Treasury to start printing bills with my picture on every denomination.  I know my enemies are saying this was because I am a narcissist, whatever that is, but it’s really to piss off the Chinese when they have to look at my face every time tourists spend money in Beijing.  The joke’s on you, Mao. It is Mao, isn’t it? No? It doesn’t matter.

As far as terrorism, just last month, I crushed ISIS with a 30 day eviction notice to get out of Iraq with a warning that either they leave or we will build casinos right on top of them. The bulldozers are coming slime balls,  whether you relocate or not.  Baghdad Trump Towers. Has a ring to it.  It will be huge, and it will be beautiful.

And finally, I have directed my Vice President, Gary Busey, and newly elected Speaker of the House Meatloaf, to work together to repeal Obamacare and replace it with Trumpcare, a tremendous plan where everyone gets to keep their current doctor, especially people who don’t have one.  They will be working very closely with my Surgeon General, Dr. Ben Carson, who knows lots of stuff about medicine and pyramids and is now awake a lot of the time.

So I can report to you that the state of the union was terrible, but now, since I’m president, it’s wonderful with wonderful talented people who are great negotiators.  These are important people who I can’t mention, but are big and experts on greatness. I know many people who have told me that the country is greater already since Obama  left the White House. Oh, and he left it looking like something that was built in the 1800’s. It was disgusting and had no gold leaf on it, but it is now a beautiful home with a big gold door in front.  I am still waiting for you guys to approve that “Trump” logo that will go on the roof.  Get that passed and I’ll sign it on my birthday!  And for all the people in America who still don’t like me, you are terrible people and not nice, and will probably be hearing from FBI director G. Gordon Liddy.  And by the way, everyone in attendance tonight gets a free “We Made America Great Again” hat on the way out, except democrats who are disgusting and by executive order will soon be banned from entering the country.  So good night, and God Bless America, or we will find someone who will and you’ll be fired!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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