The Clown Car Update for December 20, 2015

Posted: December 21, 2015 in New Post

On Episode 366 of The Tim Corrimal Show, I decimate one more Holiday classic just for the fun of irritating people like Bill O’Reilly:

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, ‘If you see it on Fox News it’s so.’
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?


VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They are the children of liberals. They are waging a War on Christmas. They have been affected by something known as “public education”. They do not believe except in fact-based evidence.  They think that nothing can be which is not verifiable by their socialist little minds. All liberal minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are evil. In this great universe of ours liberals are mere insects, ants, in their intellect, as compared with the dangerous world around them as measured by  intelligent conservatives capable of grasping the real threat to our white, Christian country.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as Ebola, Benghazi, and Obama’s plot to take away our guns exist.  And you know that they abound and give to your life its highest anxiety level possible.  Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Megyn Kelleys.  There would be no greed, no offshore accounts, no white privilege to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except reminiscing about Ronald Reagan. The eternal light with which free markets fill the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe that Obama is a Muslim! You might get your papa to hire men with assault weapons to watch our southern borders on Christmas Eve to protect Santa Claus from Mexicans, but even if they did not see Santa Claus , what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither liberals nor fact checkers can see. Did you ever see Muslims celebrating on 9/11 in New Jersey? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. No liberal can conceive or imagine all the terrorists there are unseen and unseeable in the world except on Fox News.

You may look inside Bill O’Reilly’s head and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world of right wing hysteria which not the most intelligent liberal,  nor even the united intelligence of all the liberals that ever lived, could see. Only blind faith, demagoguery, xenophobia, bigotry, and misogyny can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernatural beauty of the Fox News Alternate Universe. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else more real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God he lives, and he lives forever, just like all those lies we tell to get people to vote republican. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will and we will be here to continue to make stuff up and put fear in everyone’s hearts!


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