The Clown Car Update for November 8, 2015

Posted: November 8, 2015 in New Post

This week on Episode 360 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we dial 911 for the GOP Whaaaaaaaaabulance! On Monday, 15 whiny little candidates issued a list of demands future sponsors of presidential debates will have to meet.  In a letter Monday from the newly unionized GOP candidates,  potential debate sponsors were warned that if the demands were not met,  they will not grace their screens with their presence.  Some of the questions potential sponsors must answer are:

  • Will the hall be kept below 67 degrees (And does everyone promise not to throw water on Carley Fiorina!)
  • Will there be behind shots of the candidates (Some of them do not wear pants)
  • Will you show empty podiums during the break and describe how far the bathrooms are. Also, are there “family” restrooms where staff can change the candidate’s diapers?
  • Will you allow candidates to have props? (Ben Carson always likes to have a rock, brick, or knife handy)
  • Will there be a gong, buzzer, or bell when time is up? (I would favor an electric shock, but that’s just me)
  • What is the size of the audience? (I think this is an unfair question, since there is obviously no restriction on the size of the candidates)

In addition, the candidates demanded that they have control over the network’s graphics.  My suggestion would be the Looney Tunes logo.

Also on Monday, Jeb! relaunched his campaign, moving the exclamation point to the end of a complete sentence, rolling out a new slogan “Jeb Can Fix It!”.  As the part of the reboot,  Jeb wants you to know that he is so tough that eats nails before breakfast.  I’d say he’s whistling past the graveyard, but that’s probably just the sound of the wind blowing through his puncture holes.

On Tuesday,  Morning Joe’s Joke Scarborough and Freaka Brzezinski finally “jumped the shark” with their Tuesday episode “How to Interview the Koch Brothers and Make It Look Like You’re Performing Fellatio”.   In a farce Sen. Harry Reid called a “propaganda campaign”,  Joe and Mika peppered the brothers with such hard hitting, probing questions as “Can I be your forever friend?”,  “Am I drooling on you?” and,   “Would you autograph my buttocks?”.   Casting aside any pretense of probing questions,   Joe and Mika fawned and mused about how cute they must have been as children and how proud father Fred must have been watching them goose step around the house.  The interview concluded with our favorite morning hosts eagerly picking up their leashes and patiently sitting at the brothers’ feet begging to be taken for a walk on their beautiful estate.  As we left the interview we were treated to the scene of Joe and Mika joining the Kochs’ other pets,  Scott and Marco,  playfully wrapping themselves in Koch “Angel Soft” toilet paper.

And finally this week,  our favorite Martian,  Dr. Ben Carson,  doubled down on a comment he made in a 1998 commencement speech.  In the speech he claimed that Joseph, in his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat,  built the pyramids in Egypt.  Why?  Well, not to be tombs for the pharaohs,  but to store grain for long periods of time. And why does he believe this?  Because God.  Asked if he still believes that today,  he said yes and more.  “Also”,  added Carson,  “it is my belief that the Aztec Pyramids were actually built to house the first Taco Bell”.

It is actually my belief that the burial chambers in the Great Pyramids are the perfect place for the Ben Carson Presidential Library.




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