The Clown Car Update for September 13, 2015

Posted: September 13, 2015 in New Post

With all the nonsense happening in Kentucky this past week,  the media completely missed the most important press conference of the week.  On Thursday,  Jesus held a press conference of his own to clarify his position on Kim Davis and the carnival barker, Mike Huckabee and I was there to cover it.  So here is the transcript,  prepared exclusively for Episode 352 of the Tim Corrimal Show:

The Jesus Press Conference:

Good afternoon, and thank you for coming.  Despite what you have been told by Pat Robertson, I haven’t spoken to anyone in this part of the universe in a few thousand years. My father asked me to meet with you this afternoon to discuss recent events in Rowen County, Kentucky.  I decided to do this in the press conference format since the last time dad asked me to come here you people just crucified me.  Literally.  And, since I do not wish to spend another 33 years here trying to convince you morons to hating each other, I will make this brief.

Now normally, my father and I don’t like to get involved in the day to day matters of creation. We’re create and let live sort of guys. But this thing with Kim Davis is causing us big problems.  There are much more advanced civilizations in the universe and they are starting to talk. They have even gone so far as to accuse me and my father of losing our grip. So, let me set the record straight. We do not hate gay people, on the contrary, we created them.  We created straight people too, but judging from Kim Davis and her husband, that may have been a mistake. We assumed you would all get along, but we never anticipated the republican party or Mike Huckabee. Our bad.   I know, you all think that we anticipate everything, but truth be told,  some things in the universe just happen, like black holes and Chuck Todd.  My father and I get a bit distracted at times and, BOOM, Donald Trump happens.

Now to the subject at hand, my father never said marriage is between one man and one woman, or in Kim Davis’ case, four men and one woman.  The fact is , you people invented marriage, so it can be anything anyone wants.  This is not a problem to me or my father.  What is concerning was to see that Louie Gohmert is a congressman, since we originally planned to have him be a species of plant.  I think we were going to call it asparagus?

So Kim Davis, shut the fuck up. Please. And please stop using my name as the reason you hate people.  That’s on you and that Huckabee character you glommed onto.  If you really want to do something to please me, wash your hair.  I can smell it from up here.  Maybe if you were friendlier to gay people, they could recommend a good hair stylist. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to throw a bar of soap in your husband’s direction either.  Really, people wandering in the desert smell better than you. And stop praising me and using my name.  If I hear “praise Jesus” from you one more time, I will turn your tongue into a spatula

And another thing, that bible you keep quoting is a work of fiction. Bad fiction at that. We give you great science fiction writers like Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury and instead you fixate on a story about a burning, talking bush?  Who do you think my father is,  Mr. Ed? And why in dad’s universe would he speak to Charleton Heston?

So, Kim, sign the damn marriage licenses, grab a piece of gay wedding cake, and get to a Planned Parenthood for contraceptives. We really don’t want you procreating.

In closing I would like to thank you all for coming here on such short notice. The next time I see you it will probably be Armageddon. Just kidding! Just thought I would tease some of those rapture nutters.  But seriously, the end of the world will come if you don’t start paying attention to climate scientists.   If you have any questions about that, ask Neil deGrasse Tyson.  That’s why we put him here.

Thanks again and Dad bless America.

 

 

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