The Clown Car Update for July 19, 2015

Posted: July 16, 2015 in New Post

Earlier this year, Scott Walker, a purebred lapdog from the Koch Kennel, proposed  a 13% decrease of state funding for the university system. In addition, he insisted on a change in the University of Wisconsin’s mission statement from “Basic to every purpose of the system is the search for truth”, to “Meet the labor force needs of the state”. After a major backlash, he did what Scott Walker always does, he lied and threw someone else under the bus. He claimed it was a drafting error by some staffer. Now Scott Walker wants to be president, and this week he made his case to the American people. But as everyone who has applied to a college has learned, sometimes there are some harsh rejections on the way. And this week, on Episode 344 of the Tim Corrimal Show we have made our decision on Scotty’s application to be president!

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Dear Mr. Walker,

Thank you for your interest in being our president.  We regret to inform you that after careful consideration of your application by our office of admissions, you have not been accepted. Actually, most of our board members spit out their coffee when they saw your name under consideration.  Really, Scott, are you kidding?  You want to be president? Of what country? Rwanda? LOL!

But seriously, it is our policy, as the voters of America, to carefully review your application with you to illustrate why this decision was reached. We hope this will help you in pursuit of another institution that has lower or, more likely, no standards.

First, being a balding homophobe is not considered a disability under ADA or a protected class under the Civil Rights Act.  As such, we have denied your admission based on this claim.  In the future, you may have more success claiming to be a persecuted Christian or a victim of discrimination against whites.

Second, your essay on “How I Would Fight Terrorism” had a few flaws. It may have worked in Wisconsin, but taking away ISIS bargaining rights and firing their teachers will most likely not affect them in any way.  You see,  a union member holding a sign is not quite the same as a psycho in a black ski mask holding a machete.

Third, giving vaginal ultrasounds is not considered an extracurricular activity.  We don’t know where you got that idea, but maybe you should have a conversation with your wife.

Fourth, using Charles and David Koch as references did not help. And who the hell is Joe Scarborough?

Lastly, you probably should have chosen someone other than G. Gorden Liddy as the person who most influenced your life .

In closing, we hope you understand that our rejection bears no malice toward you or should it discourage you from seeking acceptance in another institution.  In fact, you seem perfectly suited for a career in Germany.  You should understand that this year we have had an exceptionally high number of applicants for president from your demographic of the right wing lunatic fringe. It has been over represented this election cycle.  Please be assured that in making our selections, we strive to uphold the highest standards for the office of president. And no,  George W. Bush was not our selection, we were forced to accept him as a result of a lawsuit.

Sincerely,

America

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