Clown Car Update for May 10, 2015

Posted: May 11, 2015 in New Post

On Episode 334 of the Tim Corrimal Shoe we “Remember the Alamo”! Only this time, it’s not Santa Anna, but Barack Obama who is invading the Republic of Texas. Or is Texas a state? Lately, with the right wing paranoiashpere on fire, it’s hard to tell.  Anyway, the word is out, the NRA wants all Texans to stock up on ammo, the Barackalypse is coming!

If you are wondering what all the fuss is about, it started when the Pentagon announced an armed forces joint military exercise called Jade Helm 15.  It is to be held from July 15, 2015 to September 15, 2015.  It will be conducted over several southwestern states chosen because the terrain offers challenges similar to conditions in the Middle East. In preparation, the military has been consulting with local officials on safety, preventing property damage, and so on. Then came the fun part.

First mix a military with a socialist commander in chief, a gun crazy Texas population, and the closing of several Wal-Marts because of bad plumbing problems.  Then throw in a large dose of right wing paranoia and some tin foil and what do you have? An invasion of Texas, with empty Wal-Marts being used as makeshift FEMA prisons to detain the resisting population. The goal here, according to conspiracy experts from various right wing panic machines, is to assist ISIS and Mexico in first occupying and then annexing Texas as their own territory. Why Texas, you ask? Where better to send a message that Sharia Law is coming to America than in Texas! It’s where all real Americans wear big Stetson hats, pledge allegiance to their guns and ammo, and can’t remember the third thing on a list.

But move over, Sam Houston, because Gov. Abbot is your worthy successor and he will not take this sitting down, at least not in a Wal-Mart men’s room stall. No sir, those Texans are gonna fight back. How? By asking the Texas National Guard to keep a lookout for Navy Seals and Special Forces wearing Hilary 2016 tee shirts. That’s the first step to martial law and everyone having to wear pant suits. And to back up the guard will be Texas’ modern day Jim Bowie,  Chuck Norris, who had a warning for Texans:

The US government says, ‘It’s just a training exercise.’ But I’m not sure the term ‘just’ has any reference to reality when the government uses it.

Got that? Chuck Norris lives in a world of reality, where martial artists kick down helicopters and and Mike Huckabee is your next president.  Or maybe, just maybe, Chuck took one too many spin kicks to the head.

And then our own modern day Davy Crockett, Rand Paul, volunteered for action. He will save us from FEMA death camps with a promise to

[We’ll] look at [the conspiracy theories circulating] also.

Fightin’ words from the man in the coon skin cap? Oops! That’s his hair.

And of course what would a Texas invasion conspiracy theory be without the wit and wisdom of Louie Gohmert? Noting that the military planning map had the Texas territory shaded red for “hostile”, he let this observation roll off his brain and out his ear:

I was rather appalled that the hostile areas amazingly have a Republican majority

Well, Louie, there’s a good reason for that. Remember, the Clintons are behind everything!

And last there was Ted Cruz, our Canadian version of Col. William B. Travis, who bravely stood up to the invasion forces and said:

My office has reached out to the Pentagon to inquire about this exercise,

Take that, Obama! We reached out to the Pentagon! War over!

From this latest episode into the tin foil world of right wing lunacy we learned two things. First, Chuck Norris, Rand Paul, Louie Gohmert, and Ted Cruz really need to spend more time playing mahjong at the rest home .  Second, if you are taken to a Wal-Mart death camp be forewarned, the toilets are out of order.

 

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