The Clown Car Update for May 3, 2015

Posted: May 3, 2015 in New Post

Bad news on Episode 333 of The Tim Corrimal Show. The GOP Clown Car was involved in an accident. It happened while it was touring the ancient city of Rome. Driven by Koch Industry’s Heartland Institute, it was there to Kochsplain the great climate change hoax to Pope Francis. It was there that the Clown Car went out of control, veered into oncoming science, and collided head on with the Popemobile! Here’s what happened.

The Genesis of this story (pun intended) was the Pope’s announcement that he would be issuing an encyclical this summer calling on government leaders to address climate change as it effects the welfare of all people of earth, especially the poor.  To that end, The Vatican this week held a climate summit with members of the scientific community and U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon after which they issued the following statement,

[We] appreciate that (nature) is a precious gift entrusted to our common care, making it our moral duty to respect rather than ravage the garden that is our home.

Whoa! OUR garden? The Koch brothers beg to differ. Maybe you didn’t get the memo Francis, but the Koch brothers decide whose garden this is and who gets to ravage it. Haven’t you been paying attention to the American presidential races? The rules are you have to kneel before the Brothers Koch and kiss their pompous asses before you get their blessing. That goes for popes too!

Well, not to worry, the Kochs forgive you and to prove it they sent the Heartland Institute to broadside your Popemobile and your climate summit too. First, the Kochs would like you to know that all those scientists and experts suck.

[They] refuse to acknowledge the abundant data showing human greenhouse gas emissions are not causing a climate crisis and there is no need for a radical reordering of global economies that will cause massive reductions in human freedom and prosperity…

Got that, Francis. You’re reducing human freedom and prosperity by interfering with the Koch brothers’ cash flow. Don’t you know that carbon emissions make you prosperous and free? Especially if your name is Koch and you make more money in an hour than the entire economy of Argentina. So screw you and the Cardinals you rode in on!

And another thing, Pops,  you better bone up on your Bible studies. But for your sake, here’s a little lesson from the Koch brothers:

Humans are not causing a climate crisis on God’s Green Earth—in fact, they are fulfilling their Biblical duty to protect and use it for the benefit of humanity. Though Pope Francis’ heart is surely in the right place, he would do his flock and the world a disservice by putting his moral authority behind the United Nations’ unscientific agenda on the climate…

That’s right, it’s in the Bible. God wants the Koch brothers to be rich and by poisoning the earth they are merely doing God’s work. And if you know what’s good for you, you would get busy doing the Kochs’ work too and tell your flock to stop complaining of hunger and drought caused by human activity and burn more oil and gas. Otherwise, you are interfering with God’s plan to enrich the Kochs. Besides, they have plenty of food and water and enough money to build a big ark before the ocean reaches Kansas.

But Pope Francis is unfazed by the temper tantrums of billionaires. His spokesman had a message for the Kochs:

[T]he ever-accelerating burning of fossil fuels that powers our economic engine is disrupting the earth’s delicate ecological balance on almost-unfathomable scale…

We clearly need a fundamental change of course, to protect the earth and its people…

[T]he wealthiest countries, the ones who have benefited most from fossil fuels, are morally obligated to push forward and find solutions to climate-related change and so protect the environment and human life…

[And] are obliged both to reduce their own carbon emissions and to help protect poorer countries from the disasters caused or exacerbated by the excesses of industrialization.

Let me Popesplain that passage to you, Koch brothers. The Pope doesn’t care about your profits, your freedom, or your well being. In fact, he thinks you should be doing a lot more for the poor in this world. And if you think your billion dollar clown car persuaded him that he is misleading his flock, he has a message for you. Go flock yourself!

 

 

 

 

 

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