The GOP Clown Car Update for April 19, 2015

Posted: April 19, 2015 in New Post
Today, on Episode 331 of the Tim Corrimal Show, the first of the Adventures of Rubioman!
Faster than a Benghazi subpoena! More powerful than a John Boehner martini!  Able to leap big issues at a single bound!  Yes, it’s Rubioman, strange visitor from the Fox News planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal senators.  Rubioman, who can change the course of his own immigration legislation, bend the truth in his bare hands; and who, disguised as Sen. Marco Rubio, mild-mannered senator from the state of Florida, fights a never ending battle for power, money, and free bottled water.
In this week’s episode, Rubioman faces off with his arch enemy, Hilary Clinton.  Rubioman has uncovered her evil plan to turn back time to 1999! Rubioman must stop her, because he knows that no one wants to return to the the days of peace, unprecedented economic growth, and record job creation. But Hilary is cunning, and she knows that Rubioman has one weakness that makes him lose his superpowers; dry mouth.  The only antidote, a bottle of Aquafina.
He may not be a scientist,  but Rubioman has a plan: Wipe out the 20th century.   That way, there is no 1999, no Social Security, no Medicare, no Affordable Care Act.  Then, he will create a New American Century, 15 years late but, like I said, he’s no scientist, and obviously not a mathematician.  In this new century, we are all free because we no longer require corporations to pay taxes, have a minimum wage, or limit the number of hours children can work.  And Social Security and Medicare will no longer be needed, because once we’re free of health care, no one will live past the age of 50.
But Hilary is back and she wants to expand her middle class army and kill all our job creators by forcing them to pay taxes and a fair minimum wage . Her plan is to enslave the world with fair wages, better job opportunities, and forcing everyone to attend a gay wedding. Her weapons are big government and a big brain and Rubioman seems over matched.  As this episode closes, Hilary places a large can of salted nuts in the green room of Meet the Press.  As Rubioman nervously licks his lips, he gives in to temptation and eats a handful.  Suddenly his lips crust over, his throat closes, and his powers drain away leaving an empty suit. He feebly reaches for the Aquafina, but Hilary has emptied all the bottles.  As Rubioman fades into unconsciousness,  Hilary smiles as she drives her Hilarymobile along Route 80 to launch her plot in Iowa. Will Chuck Todd find Rubioman in time? Will Hilary reach Iowa with a burrito and evil plan to grow the middle class?  Will Chipotlegate cause the Fox News planet to explode?   Find out next time in episode 2 of  “The Adventures of Rubioman”.

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