The Clown Car Update for April 5, 2015

Posted: April 5, 2015 in New Post

In the first book of the New Testament, Jesus gave the Sermon on the Mount. In it, he tells of eight keys to happiness and fulfillment. They are called “The Beatitudes”. It was Jesus’ way of saying that his dad got carried away with all the smiting and stoning in the Old Testament. Jesus wanted us to chill a minute and think of the things that are important. Naturally, modern fundamentalist Christians really don’t like Jesus all that much. They like to say they do, but in reality, they liked his father’s way of dealing with things. After all, it almost always involved a bloody war.  So today on Episode 329 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we examine the Beatitudes as re-interpreted by the Fundies:

Blessed are the poor,
for on them we blame the Great Recession,
the housing collapse, the banking crisis,
and the national debt.

Blessed are they who mourn,
unless you are mourning someone non-white,
in which case the police will
fire plastic bullets and tear gas at you
from military vehicles.

Blessed are the meek,
Unless “meek” means gay, in which case you are
not blessed and cannot have pizza!

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst,
for they shall be satisfied,
But not with food stamps or school lunch programs
that costs tax money, in which case
they can shrivel up and die.

Blessed are the merciful,
but Fundies aren’t merciful
So bite me!.

Blessed are the pure of heart,
Unless you are a bleeding heart liberal,
in which case your heart should bleed to death
after we repeal Obamacare!

Blessed are the peacemakers,
especially if “Peacemaker” is the nickname for a bomb,
In which case we will blast our enemies with
a barrage of “Peacemakers”!

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
For you shall be denied service in Indiana.

So Happy Easter and remember, unlike Indiana, here at the “Poorly Written Political Blog” we serve everyone!

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