The Clown Car Update for March 29, 2015

Posted: March 30, 2015 in New Post

This week Sen. Ted Cruz,  resident alien and newly announced candidate for president, compared his denial of climate change to the accomplishments of Galileo Galilei. On Episode 328 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we explore the similarities between Ted and Galileo to see if they hold up to closer scrutiny. So here is how Ted Cruz stacks up to the great Galileo.

  • Galileo invented the telescope to look at the stars in the heavens.
    • Ted Cruz invented a presidential campaign to become a star on Fox News
  • Galileo believed that the earth revolved around the sun
    • Ted Cruz believes that the earth revolves around him
  • Galileo discovered the moons of Jupiter
    • Ted Cruz was mooned by Rand Paul supporters
  • Galileo practiced the scientific method
    • Ted Cruz had to practice kissing his wife
  • Galileo collected data to validate scientific theories
    • Ted Cruz collects PAC money to repeat conspiracy theories
  • Galileo was ordered to read psalms as part of his sentence
    • Ted Cruz forced Liberty University students to listen to his speech as part of their sentence
  • Galileo developed the principle of flotation
    • Ted Cruz developed the principle of bloviation
  • Galileo developed the laws of falling bodies
    • Ted Cruz is about to discover the law of falling polls
  • The principles espoused by Galileo are still in use in the 21st Century
    • The principles Ted Cruz espouses haven’t been used since the 10th Century
  • Galileo was considered the father of modern science
    • Ted Cruz has a father who is considered a nut
  • Galileo believed that the tides were caused by the sloshing back and forth of water due to the rotation of earth
    • Ted Cruz’ ideas are believed to be caused by water sloshing back and forth on his brain
  • Galileo’s beliefs put him under house arrest
    • Ted Cruz’ beliefs give republicans cardiac arrest
  • Galileo was buried in a small room next to a chapel
    • Ted Cruz’ campaign will be buried in a small hole next to “The Rent Is Too Damn High” guy.

Besides learning of the striking similarities between Ted and Galileo, we also learned from Ted how absolutely frightening it is to go to Princeton. According to Ted it was sort of like going to Afghanistan, only in New Jersey. The horrors of Princeton obviously left Ted in a delusional state. The good news is that there are generous mental health benefits under his new Obamacare policy.

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