The Clown Car Update for March 1, 2015

Posted: March 2, 2015 in New Post

This week on Episode 324 of The Tim Corrimal Show we visit the annual CPAC convention in Washington DC. For those of you who only causally pay attention to right wing lunacy (by the way, congratulations, you are probably much healthier for that), CPAC is like a porn convention for young conservatives. And since so many young conservatives are God fearing Christians, this is their one opportunity to have a sexual experience. To a CPAC attendee it is a parade of one conservative porn star after another, in the flesh, re-enacting their best performances live and non stop for two whole days.  It is very exhausting to an outsider but there is so much pent up sexual frustration in the building, there can be no satisfying this crowd. So who were the stars this year sending the young conservatives back to the their rooms to pleasure themselves?

Lets start with the stud of this year’s CPAC porn fest, Scott “Big Prick” Walker. He’s a natural. Dumb as a dildo with a sexy bald spot, he has a talent for sending young conservatives swooning into sexual ecstasy.  He has screwed unions, teachers, and universities all while in a threesome with the Koch brothers. And the best part is that he can do all these things with many different positions, like on immigration and evolution. Yes, Scott’s exploits  provided CPAC youngsters hours of orgasm filled moments alone in their rooms. And the best thing, if you vote for him in the CPAC straw poll, you got a free, life size, anatomically correct doll of Scott. Its an action figure of Scott Walker shooting ISIS members trying to unionize.

Next we had Sarah Palin, the sexual fantasy of any young CPAC man (and woman, but they cannot openly admit that here). Sarah’s sexual talent is twisting and turning the English language into a torture chamber that the Marquis de Sade would find excessive. For those willing to submit, she takes the audience on a fantasy trip that makes 50 Shades of Gray seem like a family film. Tie up the lame stream media and force them to scream? You betcha! Whip all the liberals until they beg for mercy? You betcha! Handcuff all those animal lovers and make them use their dogs as step stools? You betcha! By the time Sarah got to the part where we kill all the terrorists and Nazis, the restrooms had lines a mile long. And the vendors could not keep the Sarah Palin leather Gotcha Gloves on the shelves.

And no one will forget the King of Conservative Porn, the Wig Party’s only representative, Donald Trump. This was probably the most glittery sexual experience at the fair, complete with exotic hairdos, and endless erotic stories of wealth, power, and exclusive outtakes of Gary Busey tea bagging the Donald. He had the crowd from the beginning with that hair and that Chinese made necktie. But the crowd was brought to climax with erotically descriptive account of how he would end the threat of ISIS. “You gotta hit ’em hard, you gotta hit ’em firm, and you can’t play games. You gotta go hard and fast and firm.” ISIS will forever tremble in fear of being hit hard and fast and firm by a bloated douche bag in a bad wig.

But there was one voice of caution at this conservative orgy, and that was from the bible thumping, duck calling preacher, Phil Robertson. He was there to accept the “Andrew Breitbart Defender of the First Amendment Award”, itself a verbal turn on for any young conservative. Phil took time off from delousing his beard to warn these youngsters that sexual desire, even conservative sexual desire, can have terrible consequences. Before you rush off to have mad sex with Laura Ingraham, remember that the beatniks and hippies invented STD’s as revenge on all Jesus loving kids and have passed their infection down through the generations. Phil warned that too much sex with too many partners have infected 110 million people with “Revenge of the Hippies” disease. The only way to prevent is to marry someone as clean as you, preferably, as he did, a young underage girl with no sexual experience.

The fest ended on a somber note, a strategy planned by the organizers to ensure they didn’t turn these sex crazed conservative looneys into the street in a manic condition. The crowd was calmed down by presenting the somber side of the conservative movement, the “reasonable” alternatives. These included Chris Christie and Jeb Bush who from all reports left the crowd flaccid and the restrooms unoccupied. And so ended another CPAC sex fest, its attendees headed home ready to do battle with anyone who dares throw a hippie induced liberal STD their way.

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