The Untold War Stories of Bill O’Reilly

Posted: February 21, 2015 in New Post

It was reported this week by Mother Jones reporter David Corn that Bill O’Reilly has told some tall stories over the years, greatly exaggerating his exploits as a “war correspondent”. With his usual bluster, Bill fired back with a barrage of name calling in order to counter the criticism that he is a total hypocrite for eviscerating Brian Williams when he himself has some explaining to do.  Well, at the risk of being called a despicable guttersnipe, I have uncovered some additional tall stories Mr. Corn may have overlooked. Here then is the complete history of Bill O’Reilly, War Correspondent.

THE BATTLE AT ZAMA

It was at the Battle of Zama that the great Carthaginian leader Hannibal met defeat at the hands of the Romans. Not many historians note, however, that embedded with the Carthaginian troops was a young war correspondent who would soon become the stuff of legends, Bill O’Reilly. As history tells us, the Carthaginians were greatly outnumbered and for the first time in his life, Hannibal was unable to come up with a strategy. It was then that fate intervened and Bill O’Reilly came up with a solution. “Elephants”, Bill remembers telling the general, “Send your elephants charging at the Romans and they’ll shit their liberal Roman pants!” Well, Hannibal did just that, but the results were not as expected. As it turns out, the beasts were more afraid of the Romans than the Romans were of them and they ran off, leaving Hannibal in defeat. But Bill still managed to film a stand up report from the scene while at the same time rescuing his cameraman from under a dead pachyderm. Thus, the legend began!

THE BATTLE OF MARATHON

The battle of Marathon pitted the superior Persian army against a rag-tag army of Greeks armed with crude weapons. But the Greeks had a weapon more powerful than anything the Persians could imagine, war correspondent Bill O’Reilly. Embedded with the Greek forces, Bill is credited with the idea of using a wooden horse to sneak into Troy. As a result the Greeks ultimately defeated the Persians, and Bill ran 26 miles back to Athens to file his report. On the way, he rescued his cameraman from under a dead Persian soldier, dragging him to safety. “It was like running a marathon to get here,” Bill exclaimed, “but the story must be told!” So not only did Bill win the war for the Greeks and save the life of his cameraman, he invented the modern day marathon.

THE BATTLE AT HASTINGS

Now as you all recall, Hastings is where William of Normandy defeated King Harold II of England.  And yes, veteran war correspondent Bill O’Reilly was there when Anglo-Saxon was not a dirty word to the politically correct liberal elite. Now, at first it looked like Harold was winning when William cut and ran. Now, Bill, knowing that no great leader would cut and run, tried to warn Harold that it was a trick. But Harold foolishly ignored Bill’s sage advise and ran after William. It was then that William turned and defeated Harold in a the bloody battle of Hastings. Bill O’Reilly was the first correspondent to interview the new King of England. During the interview Bill convinced William to release his cameraman who was taken hostage during the battle. Thanking him, Bill said “William, you are a true conqueror!” And hence William the Conqueror took his place in history with the help of Bill O’Reilly.

LEXINGTON AND CONCORD

We have all heard about the “shot that was heard around the world”, but did you know who fired that shot? Well, it was war correspondent Bill O’Reilly. Bill was embedded with the forces of Sam Adams in Lexington when this whole revolution thing started. Bill reported as Adams encouraged colonists to rise up against the their British occupiers. Unknown to Adams, the British were on their way to arrest him. What history never reported is that when the British arrived, it was Bil O’Reilly who fired the first shot to save the life of his cameraman who was filming Bill’s stand-up report. In the process, Bill saved Sam Adams and started the American Revolution at the same time. “How about a beer, Sam Adams”, Bill crackled. And so, a new nation and a great beer were born.

THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG

The Civil War was a bloody chapter in American history, and the Battle of Gettysburg was its decisive battle. As the forces of the Confederacy, under Gen. Robert E. Lee, tried to push north, they were met with stiff resistance by the Union forces Under Gen. George G. Mead. Embedded with the forces of Gen. Mead was war correspondent Bill O’Reilly. Bill reported as the battle raged for days and Gen. Mead pushed back the Confederates. It was the death notice to the Confederacy, and Bill O’Reilly was there to record it all. During the battle, Bill’s cameraman was injured when a cannon ball hit a tree that fell on him. But Bill courageously pulled him from the battlefield and still filed his report. Upon his return to his Washington bureau, Bill was awarded the Medal of Freedom by President Lincoln. At that event, they exchanged ideas for the new republican party and Lincoln showed interest in continuing the conversation. “Where could I send you correspondence?, Abe asked, “do you have a Gettysburg address?”  Bill just smiled and said to Lincoln “think about that for a moment, Mr. President”. The rest is history.

THE INVASION OF NORMANDY

The decisive invasion of World War II began on June 6, 1944 on the beaches of Normandy. Over 5,000 ships, the largest armada in history, conducted an invasion of proportions never seen before. And embedded with  the troops the entire summer was war correspondent Bill O’Reilly. He reported as the allied troops stormed the beaches and shelled German positions. During the mayhem his cameraman was hit by enemy fire, but he courageously pulled him form the battle and still filed his report. Later that summer, after much of Europe was released from the grasp of the Nazis, Bill met with Gen. Eisenhower who awarded him a  battle ribbon. O’Reilly thanked the general and was quoted as saying, “Wow, that seemed like the longest day”.

So you see, David Corn, you have only told a portion of the story. Bill O’Reilly has done things no man in their right mind would ever think of doing. But then no one ever said Bill was in his right mind. Besides, thinking of doing them seems to be all Bill ever did anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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