Clown Car Update for February 1, 2015

Posted: February 1, 2015 in New Post

This week on Episode 320 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the Clown Car reviewed last weekend’s “Iowa Freedom Summit”.  Do you remember the scene in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, when McMurphy takes the inmates on a road trip? Well last weekend, conservatives from all over America descended on the Hawkeye State, but instead of Randle P. McMurphy,  Steve King  was driving a bus full of right wing cuckoos so loosely wrapped they would give even nurse Ratched goose bumps. One after another they incited a rabid crowd waving pitchforks and tearing at red meat with the few teeth they had left. It was a marathon of Benghazi, tyranny, and Kenyian anti-colonialism as the 2016 lineup of botched lobotomies geared up for their presidential run. Here then is a sample of the candidates and the America they envisioned last weekend:

Scott Walker: For those of you who are unfamiliar with Walker, he got his political start after being removed from one of the Koch brothers’ during a routine colonoscopy. Cloned into a  Koch lap dog, he went on to be elected governor of Wisconsin, his main achievement was making it last of the 50 states in economic  growthHis platform: Putting the Koch brothers in the Oval Office. All Walker would have to do is eat kibble and get his belly rubbed. That’s a good dog! There is no better life than a lap dog in Kochmerica!

Ted Cruz: Always a hit with the tin foil crowd, Ted’s appearance at the summit was was no exception. Ted was born in Alberta and moved to the United States as a little boy. He is referred to by our neighbors to the north as “Canada’s Little Practical Joke”. His father is a minister who believes his son is destined by God to be president. We tried to reach God for comment but he did not return our calls. Ted is most noted for his recitals of “Green Eggs and Ham” and shutting down the government. His Platform: Repealing the Affordable Care Act, banning same sex marriage, restricting women’s reproductive rights and defunding everything except the Dr. Seuss section of the Congressional Library.

Rand Paul: Who said that the nuts don’t fall far from the tree? Son of congressman and Chief Keebler Elf Ron Paul, he fell from that tree as a young boy, hit his head and never fully recovered. In the most widespread case of mass hysteria in history,  Kentuckians elected him to the U S Senate in 2010. His most notable achievements are plagiarizing the work of other people and awarding himself a medical degree. A self-proclaimed Libertarian, he has stated that he would have voted for the Civil Rights Act of 1964, just not the “civil rights” parts. His Platform: He has called for a return to the gold standard or as an alternative, animal hides.

Marco Rubio: Once considered a rising star in the re-branding efforts of the Republican party, his light faded in 2013 when he was discovered to have a drinking problem. A bottled water drinking problem. Eleven minutes into his rebuttal to the 2013 State of the Union address, he reached for a bottle of water and has since been referred to in the cloakroom as Senator Aquafina.  A climate change denier, he insists that there are several alternate explanations for why parts of his home state are disappearing under the ocean. He can’t recall any right now because he is not a scientist. His Platform: An America where everyone has an opportunity to drink clean water from a plastic bottle and watch the sun set under the palm trees of the oceanfront beaches of North Dakota.

That is just a small sampling of the inmates who have taken over the asylum and are now poised to give us what promises to be the zaniest republican primary season in history. But the summit did leave one question unanswered. As Randle P. McMurphy wondered, “who’s the head bull-goose looney around here!?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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