The GOP Clown Car Update for October 5, 2014

Posted: October 5, 2014 in New Post

This week Bill O’Reilly got into a public head to head battle with Jon Stewart. More accurately you would call it “empty drum” to head, but then I digress. Bill proposed to fight evil whenever and wherever it rears its Islamic head. How, you ask? The infidel is in the details.

Bill would raise an army of about 20 to 25 thousand highly paid, elite killers who would kill our enemies whenever we called them, sort of like the Corleone Crime family on steroids. These killers would dedicate their lives to nothing but sitting around in unmarked bunkers eating raw meat and watching training films such as “The Hunger Games” and “Zero Dark Thirty”. When needed, we would just shine a spot light in the air that displayed the silhouette of an AK-47 and they would spring into action, killing, bombing, pillaging, and causing men with beards to drop their face masks and run for their live. But their lives would be over because our guys would be invincible. And who would be in charge and responsible for this task force? Charlie of “Charlie’s Angels”.

Jon Stewart wasn’t the only critic to belittle the plan. That bastion of liberalism Charles Krauthammer called the plan stupid and ill advised. But Bill insisted that the number of military experts who have called him to tell him that his plan was brilliant would surprise us. He’s right. We would be surprised. We would also want to know if they are currently serving so we could have them properly medicated.

Bill has a Plan B though. He is not just a one trick pony. And speaking of ponies, that’s the other plan. We are mostly fighting Arabs, right? And Arabs love Arabian horses, right? Well then, we just pretend to offer them a gift of peace in the form of a giant wooden Arabian horse. Inside we hide 100 of our best mercenaries from Plan A. The bad guys are so happy with their new horse that they celebrate all night, get drunk and pass out. Then our hit men sneak out of the horse and kill them all in their sleep. You would be surprised how many Greeks have called him to tell him the plan is brilliant. Not many Trojans, though.

Bill’s Plan C is even better. He would force 12 convicted felons to parachute behind enemy lines at night. Then, during the evening happy hour, they would infiltrate the festivities disguised as bad guys and kill all their generals. Bill thinks this plan is good enough to make into a movie. I wonder what they would call it? Anyway, there you have it. Bill has solved our problem with terrorists, and all while writing another revisionist history book titled “How Stalin, Castro, and Osama bin Laden Assassinated General George Patton” on sale at Hobby Lobby.

And don’t forget to listen to Episode 312 of The Timcorrimal Show!

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