The GOP Clown Car Update for September 7, 2014.

Posted: September 7, 2014 in New Post

This week on Episode 308 of The Timcorrimal Show, our Clown Car Update featured Sean Hannity. With an hour of airtime to squander and with conspiracies and scary headlines to sell, he sought the insight of an expert on the rise of Islamic extremism. Did he reach out to the Secretary of State? Nope. Did he reach out to the head of the CIA? Nope. Did he reach out to an academic expert on Islamic studies? No, Sean went right to the heart of the subject with the Minister of Duck Calls, Phil Robertson of “Duck Dynasty”.

“Duck Dynasty” is an A&E reality show featuring Phil and his family polluting the airwaves picking ticks from their beards and luring innocent ducks to certain death. They are often seen wearing headbands to prevent whatever is left in there from leaking out. Phil loves his bible and his woman, whom he married as soon as she reached puberty. He hates gays, high tech stuff, and anyone who was freed by the Emancipation Proclamation.

Sean, ever the promoter of right wing lunacy (see Clyde Bundy) promoted Phil’s latest book and asked him about his take on ISIS. First, Phil scolded Sean to never leave home without his bible or his woman. Phil explained that the former provides instruction on smiting sinners; the latter prevents a gay guy from sneaking into your bed at the Hotel Six. Then he turned to The Good Book for the answer to ISIS and Islamic extremism. He quoted 1 John 5:19; Ephesians 2; Galatians 3; Rocky 4; Halloween 5; and finally Proverbs 8:36:

“those who fail to find me harm themselves; all who hate me love death.” So what is the Bible telling us here? Phil says it’s simple; “…either convert them or kill them.”

So what is the Bible telling us here? Phil says it’s simple; “…either convert them or kill them.” That’s right, following the example of the Lord Jesus himself, Savior and Jerusalem’s fastest gun, Phil would smite ISIS hard and smite ISIS often! He would do as Jesus taught us and either make them followers or strap on a Smith and Wesson and come out shooting. “Hasta la Vista, Pontius Pilate!”

So watch out, ISIS, Jesus and Phil are coming for you with righteousness and the Second Amendment on their side. And look for the movie version of Phil’s book, “The Bible 2: The Christians Strike Back!” coming to a theater near you this fall.

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