An Open Letter to John McCain

Posted: March 18, 2014 in New Post

Dear John,

There are some things we cannot change. The sun rises in the east. Gypsy moths destroy foliage. You lost the 2008 presidential election, quite handily I should add. By now you should have passed through the various stages of grief, but for some reason you are stuck on the anger phase. This is not a good thing for your health, your complexion, or anyone seated to your immediate left or right. 

You have become prone to outbursts that, from any other person, would probably get you committed to a facility for psychiatric evaluation. But you are not any other person. You are a United States senator and, more importantly, a Sunday staple on Meet the Press. As such, you have become the darling of the Beltway Press, and especially David Gregory. But to the people outside of the Beltway, you are a very scary individual. 

In 2008, for example, you were losing badly to in your attempt to become the first warlord of North America. Your campaign was stumbling and, if I recall, you even quit your campaign for a while. You should have left it there. You panicked, and in a moment of desperation that was worthy of Nero, you chose a deranged ex-beauty pageant contestant  to be a your running mate and a heartbeat away from the nuclear codes. I guess you thought that if you could not have America, you would let it burn. Or glow. Well, that didn’t work out so well for you, but it did supply Fox News with one of the funniest parodies of a news commentator ever.

Then came Libya. You wanted Moammar Gadhafi dead and an American warplane to carry the message. With friends like you, who needs terrorists. Why just a few years ago you praised Moammar for his peace making and pledged undying support from the US Congress. Et tu, John? Oh, the potential glory. It brought back fond memories of villages burning and collateral damage. Those were the days. 

And now, in the throws of a crisis in the Ukraine, you once again cannot control your anger. This worries me deeply. You have been running amok on the cable circuit demanding that the president send military aid to the Ukraine.You said, and I quote, “One of the things that I would do is send some of our military to Kiev and find out how we can best assist them,” Well, here’s an idea, Johnny. Instead, how about we send some aid to our schools, our towns and our states for badly needed infrastructure? How about sending aid to our poor, our hungry children, and our homeless? How about sending aid to our old, our sick, and our unemployed? Maybe dropping bombs is more fun, but helping our own citizens is more virtuous.

So here’s my advise. Get some help, John. Anger management support, Prozac, pilates, anything to reel in that rage. The election of 2008 is over, Sarah Palin is the punchline to a very bad joke, and David Gregory is not going to marry you. Please make life more pleasant for your family, for your country, and for the people seated to your immediate left and right and just shut up.



  1. franciemryl says:

    Great letter, Joe! Time for Grampy McCain to retire.

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