The Presidential Press Conference I Would Like to See!

Posted: November 15, 2013 in Health Care

This week we witnessed one of the most bizarre weeks of political coverage in history. What amounted to a minor glitch on the ACA rollout turned into a political donnybrook and a media Cirque du Soleil. On Thursday, President Obama held a press conference to attempt to calm the pitchfork and torch crowd. It was OK, but I had a different approach in mind. Here, then, is the way I would have liked the presser to have gone:

“Good afternoon. Thank you for coming here on such short notice, leaving behind your vital work of regurgitating every lie and half-truth feed to you by the Republican party. I promise I will not keep you for long from that important mission. But first, I would like to address some of the developments this week related to the healthcare rollout.”
“Let me begin with my friends in the other party. I do realize you never wanted health care reform. As a matter of fact, I realize you never wanted to give up your plantations. But sooner or later, times catch up to you. Surely you must have realized that owning slaves and wearing powdered wigs would someday go out of style. Well, maybe not, but I digress. Out of style they went and so did your brand of self-centered politics. I know it was nice for you to visit your doctor’s office secure in the fact that there would be no bothersome ‘other’ people, in the waiting room. And you could have a clear conscience too, not only because you are a bunch of sociopaths, but also because you know that these ‘other’ people were safely crammed into understaffed, germ infested emergency rooms safely away from your white asses! Then I came along with all these uppity notions that all Americans should have affordable health care and your Lilly white little world was shattered. It wasn’t enough that this black fiend twice used a fake birth certificate to get into the White House. Oh, no. Now he wants us to share OUR health care system with EVERYONE! And what did you tell the people of America would happen? Death panels, doctor shortages, people with severed limbs waiting for months to have them reattached, and all this because some uppity black guy hates America. Well, I have news for you. I do not hate America, I hate YOU! I hate your party; I hate your drunken Speaker, and I hate those jowls hanging from Mitch McConnell’s chin. I hate that Russian psycho named Ayn Rand who gave you the right to feel good about your greed. I hate the Koch brothers who would use people who are willing to work for nothing in exchange for keeping their sleeping bags in a box at the park. But most of all I hate that your party acts like a giant polyp blocking progress. So my message to you today is this: get out of the way because this train is coming and it is not a wreck, it is your worst nightmare!”

“Now, for my friends in my own party. Thank you. Thank you for nothing. As if it weren’t bad enough that the Republicans want me to fail, then you come along to help them. I sometimes have a dream that I’m in the movie “Gravity”. Everyone is one big happy family, busy fixing the health care system and then, BANG! The Tea Party explodes, I look up and there you are frantically cutting the lifeline connecting me to you. Through my helmet I scream to help me, but you keep pointing to your asses and indicating that is all you care about. So I float away, on my own, with my wits and will to succeed the only chance of survival. I wake up in a cold sweat as Michelle pats my forehead and asks ‘wereyou having that dream about your friends in congress again?’ I say yes, and try to go back to sleep. But what would really make me sleep would be a party that didn’t cut and run at the first sign of trouble. It would be nice that when the Republicans were planning to slip a knife in my back, my friends were not the ones sharpening the blade. Ah, rest, I shall never know thee!”

“Finally, I would like to address you here in this press room. I have shared this room with you during the many successes and crises of my presidency. But I must say, never once did I enjoy it. How could I? I look out at the room and the faces I see nauseate me.”
“David Gregory, of NBC, you are the Eddie Haskell of journalism. Every week you lick the asses of every republican you can beg to be on your pathetic dog and pony show. You ask leading questions like ‘Just how bad a job is the president doing?’ or “do you think Obama will fail completely or is there a chance he’ll get something right in his second term?’. Just once maybe you could throw me a bone, like ‘I think he likes his dog’ or ‘it might be his medication’, anything to make me believe you have something good to say.”
“Chuck Todd, of MSNBC, I realize that your application to Fox News has been rejected twice. What I don’t understand is why you keep auditioning for the job at your current employer. Here’s a news flash: They don’t watch your show! Nobody does. That’s right, all that brown nosing is for nothing. You really should use that time for something that would really help you, like shaving that ridiculous beard or finding a new hair stylist. Certainly someone in the entire DC area can do a better job than Andrea Mitchell! Speaking of which, Andrea, it’s time to ditch that shriveled up ex-Fed Chairman for a new Ayn Rand model. Paul Ryan, perhaps?”

“And now for Fox News. Sean Hannity, nice hair. Apparently it keeps you on the air, so good for you. Bill O’Reilly, you freak me out, in a creep-in-the-van sort of way. Get a facelift already. And Elizabeth Hasselbeck? Nice move. Now you look like the smart one!” And finally, Ann Coulter, I risk the wrath of my lovely wife Michelle but I must ask you to eat a cheeseburger!”

“This concludes my prepared comments, and now I’ll take questions”

Silence in the press room.

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